Over the last days I have been searching the web for information about my astrology chart. I have felt that this upcoming super moon in Capricorn is touching my core, but haven’t really understood the feelings either.
Today I found some really hard, but awesome information. Tears are rolling as I’m reading it and in some ways posting it here is to slash my soul wide open. The blog post is me. Who she is writing about is me. Me on every level. This is the first time I have found an astrological description fitting me like a glow! I can relate to my sun sign – Pisces, and my ascendant – Aquarius, even my moon sign – Libra. But this 12th house is my life, my actual life. How I feel, breath and react to everything.
Here it is:
12th house in Saturn.
With Saturn (or Capricorn) in your 12th house you may block your feeling, emotions and dreams by keeping a well controlled and managed life. You may feel that you have to fight harder than others to accomplish things and as a result you find safety in planning and in keeping your nose to the grindstone as it were. Perhaps you feel as though you are always being forced to wait or that things come easier to others than they do to you. This placement is constantly making you look back at what you have already accomplished and compare it to what is currently in process. You may also find it difficult to release grudges and may have a tendency to fixate on the past instead of living in the present and focusing on the future.
Your subconscious in likely very pragmatic and businesslike in nature and the result is that you only really feel safe when you have an intricate plan; deviation from that plan can feel deeply uncomfortable for you. At heart you struggle deeply with letting go and being spontaneous and with this placement you may have difficulty letting go of control and letting life flow naturally. You prefer to know where you, and everyone else is going and this can create rifts in relationships. You may have a difficult time seeing this quality within yourself but you will likely find that others are constantly telling you to lighten up, let go, and stop trying to plan every moment of your life.
You can become trapped in your plans and overly attached to procedure and policy; the result of which is that you often find it difficult to let the universe act as it will. You want to be in control of everything in life, including spirit and how life itself flows and you rebel against the uncertainty of life. You are solid and dependable and strong and those are wonderful qualities but life often doesn’t deliver the same to you in response and you resist what you cannot understand.
You are secretly attached to the past, people with this placement can get very attached to how things were in high school or early childhood and can resist what is now because of a deep longing for what has been. Typically, this position also leads to a longing for things to return to how they were, either in early life or earlier in history. This position can trick us into longing for the good old days when things were simple. The truth is there are no good old days, every time period has values and challenges. This position can trick us into forgetting this.
With this placement you may have grew up in an overly strict and restrictive upbringing particularly in relations to your relationship with your father. This likely led to a fear of authority figures, a fear of competition and a fear of judgement. You may have felt alone and isolated as a child like you were born in the wrong time and the wrong place. Perhaps you struggled to make friends or be valued for who you are at your core and perhaps people mocked your seriousness and pragmatism.
On one hand you feel loved and comforted by process but on the other you find yourself deeply frustrated that everything takes so long. You feel alone in the way the way you see the world and long to be more carefree but underneath you know its not in your nature to be that way. So you hide your planned nature and attachment to process but secretly finding comfort in the steadiness and the groundedness of having a well thought out plan. When you do tell people your plans you can meet resistance and may find they question and challenge the way you like to do things.
You have experienced a great deal of perceived failure in your life and you struggle with no assigning value to yourself based on that failure. You understand process but you resist it and feel as though life is unfair because everything takes so much effort to accomplish. Saturn shows us darkness, impossibility and certain defeat and in the 12th house he hides those feeling and experiences in the shadows. So Saturn in the 12th forces us to look at the darkness but makes it challenging for us to get the support of others in doing so. You can become trapped in your own shadow, in your own unconscious fears and failures and finding comfort can be very difficult. People with Saturn in the 12th often feel like failures, who are misunderstood and alone in the world no matter how successful their life may appear on the outside.
The greatest lesson of Saturn in the 12th is that the purpose of life is the act of being and creating not the product that results from that act. So with this shadow we must find value in the process without necessary reaping the rewards of our creations.
Steps to healing:
1) Forgive your family. I know this can be deeply painful and very difficult but the first step to healing is to forgive your family and know that the hurt they caused can from a wound. The wound it has created in you will only ensure that the cycle continues
2) Embrace the process and work with tapping and mantras to affirm that success is trying and working; success is about how to move through your journey not in what you accomplish when you get to the end of it.
3) Look at yourself and acknowledge who you are at your core. When you pretend to be someone you are not you push people away.
4) The next time you feel sad, lock yourself in a room and cry….let yourself feel what you actually feel. (if accessing emotions are difficult for you then next time something happens that is painful rent a sad movie or listen to a sad song and let that help the tears come
5) Engage in radical self-love/self-acceptance work. See previous post on radical self love.