loss

Oh man! I intended to write more often, then Robin Williams passed away. And my path got another bump in the road. Strange you may think, since he has absolutely nothing to do with me personally. But doesn’t he though? He was a huge part of my childhood with his movies and his awesome ability to get me and so many others to laugh. Despite the rough time in our lives. I remember his movies as a kid, they gave me that time and space to just laugh and escape the worries and stress of everyday life.

When I read about his passing I was still in Spain with my kids. Just a couple of days earlier I had watched “The angriest man in Brooklyn” and I was laughing and crying through it, thinking this is life, this man is showing how we are so unable to live in the moment, to appreciate what we actually have because we are striving to find something better, either it is money, fame, love or just happiness. The movie made me realise I needed to work harder on my depression, I needed to do more to be able to appreciate what I actually have. I have a lot. And to others I have nothing. But what I have I value to be that gold pot at the end of the rainbow. Okay I have debt, but that’s just money, what I have is a family and friends that appreciate me, and love me. And no job or paycheck can ever replace that. No property or fancy car can ever replace humans and our relationships. And most of all; I have me. I have the ability to create a wonderful life for myself, my friends and family by learning to love myself for all I am.

So Robin Williams passing hit me hard. And for the longest I couldn’t find the words to write or talk. Untill I saw my doctor last week. Coz really you feel kind of crazy getting completely knocked off by a movie stars passing! I asked her: Am I going crazy for feeling this so strong? And she said: No. You are already raw to the bone with your own emotions, and when you read news that hit home it gets so raw that there is no escape.

Wow.

That is so true. I have been struggling with depressions since I was a teen, and she have known me since then. So she should know how I react and feel. And I got floor smacked! Her answer was unreal, and what she said made my whole world make sense. Then we together decided that I (we) needed to get more real about my depression, its time to label it. I have been avoiding it for my whole life so far, but why?

It has made me scared to have a name on my feelings. A name that will most definitely put me in a box. I hate boxes. And labels.

But my life is not all about me any more. I have three beautiful monkeys that need me 100% everyday. So the past solution to crawl under the covers till the low period passes is no longer working. I need a better treatment. And its time. I’m ready. I know that my illness affects so many more than just me, so I can’t let it drag me into that dark hole I always have within arms length. I need it to be miles away, steady. Not on a good day, but every day.

So now I’m going to work on it, I’m gonna find my path where we all feel safe and happy, and where positive attitude is ruling ❤

I’m trying to make this blog as positive as it can be, but this blog was always ment to be my sanctuary, so sometimes the darkness gets out, and other times my focus is all about the light ❤

Peace, out!

2014-08-12 11.04.53

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