That horrible feeling. Guilt. Even the word is not feeling good in my head. Its a loaded word. A feeling. A feeling and word that describes pain and wrongness.
Do you recognize that feeling? I sure do. I have felt it several times this week, for several different reasons.
First of I came unprepared to my practice school, not only unprepared, but also scared and maybe a little unmotivated. Not sure why, but it feels terrifying at the moment to be out there in a classroom. Being judged for my teaching skills when I haven’t been much around people lately. I’m an introvert And right now I’m loving my cave aka my home.
But I went. And even though it wasn’t the best three days of my life, I did it. I observed and I told my teacher the truth. I told her what I’m personally struggling with and that I’m not close to being as confident as I was two years ago when I had my first practice period. And it got accepted.
So when I left yesterday I felt kind of good. Very happy to be off until Monday, but also kind of looking forward to go back on Monday! And that is a small step in the right direction. So soon I will let go of the guilt of not being prepared and motivated. Coz really I’m blessed to be allowed to do my practice. I have been so back and forth with my studies that I’m no where close to have finished all my work assignments! But I’m getting there. And I know now that being honest about my anxiety and depression is the best path for me. Coz it helps me to stay in there instead of giving up on all my dreams. So I’m not scared anymore, just guilty for being a burden.. But it will hopefully pass!
And then there’s is the other guilty feeling I’m having this week! My therapy lesson that got cancelled a week ago! I still feel guilty for getting depressed about my own session being cancelled because there was an emergency! And today when I’m having a new appointment I’m overly stressed that this appointment also will be cancelled. And that I’m just not deserving any help!
Its beyond stupid. But the feeling is stuck. So hopefully I will be able to work up some courage to drive out there instead of staying home thinking it will probably get cancelled anyway!
Sometimes my head is my darkest enemy! Maybe time to find my dusty yoga mat, and sit down and do some meditation on it..
At least time to let go of feeling sorry for myself, coz that’s only leading to me feeling guilty! LET IT GO!