So I managed to get through my therapy session today, and it felt good. Its strange how well things fall into place after just one hour.
Today she asked me this: How does other people see you, how would the people around you describe you?
And I have no clue. Coz how can I when I don’t even know myself?
And I learned then that because I never have had a solid person around me growing up, I didn’t mirror myself with this role model so I could grow into my own self. And it makes sense. I have always felt like a chameleon. I adapt. If I look back at my life I have had so many roles. I have always felt lost, so it was best to just adapt. Like a pile of clay, doing what others expect me to. And this is the reason. I didn’t see anything that was a mirror to an adult life I wanted to live. I always had to hid or adapt to the situations and people around me, even as a young child.
I had a few,grown ups that I still look at as role models, but only for brief moments. They never stayed. They came and went.
So how do I find myself? How do I find my essences? I even asked her if it really exist. What if its nothing there? Luckily she said she truly believed it is there. And that we will find it, with time.
SO there you have it again; T I M E.
I need to be patience. I need to take the time I need to find me. And it all makes sense, its just hard. I have always rushed. I have always been impulsive and made decisions rather quickly. Or else I start to ponder, and I loose my guts! And I back out. So for me its always been about doing it NOW. Just to get something done.
And now I need to wait. To heal. To let time work in my favor. Not easy. Not at all. But will I give up? NO! Coz that’s the only part of me I’m 100% sure of, and that is that I never give up. I keep fighting. And so far there is still more to fight for, a lot more.
I also managed to bring something else to the table. Stable role models for my kids. Right now I’m the only support system, their only network. They have grandparents. But they are not there a lot or on a regular basis. My mom tries, but as she kind of failed as being a mom, she is not succeeding on being a grandmother either. She has to many issues. And I don’t like my kids growing up with the same mess I had. I want more for them.
And my father is busy. He is living his own life. He raised me and my brother the best he could and now he is doing his own thing. And I guess its okay, I’m not pushing time with my kids on anyone. You kind of have to want it for yourself. That is only fair for the kids.
And then they have their great grand parents, but they are old. So I don’t expect anything from them. I’m just happy to have them around on Christmas, birthdays and emergency situations. They do spend some extra time with my oldest, coz she is an easy kid to deal with. The two younger ones are to much for two old people in their 80ths to handle!
And their fathers are not in the picture for different reasons.
So they are lacking some more role models. And today I told my therapist that I’m slowly coming to the conclusion that I need to add that. That I need to find a solution where my kids have someone else than just me. Someone that will take them out on fun stuff, someone that will give them that little extra attention. Like an extra pair of grandparents. But grandparents with a stable background and a really desire to spend time with them. For no selfish reasons.
Time will show where that path is leading me. I had that kind of a home when I grew up. And the family I spent time with was amazing. And they are the family that I have in the back of my mind when I’m parenting my own kids. They where my role models. And I’m so grateful for them. Forever will be.
But I’m not rushing this, it will all play out at the right time and how it is supposed to be. Only what is best for my kids and me will be done. Nothing else.