Skinny..

Why on earth is it so important for me to get skinny? It’s a thought that is haunting me daily. And with my crazy eating and lack of energy it’s just not possible. And it brings me down, badly.

So now I’m thinking about weight loss surgery, probably not the best solution, but it feels like my only.

I don’t feel full when I eat until I’m nauseas. It’s not how it is supposed to be? On top of that I get nauseas when stressed or having an anxiety attack, then I turn to food to feel better.

What an evil circle.

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Is it even possible to break it?

My weight has always been a part of my darkness. Sometimes I feel the darkness is my weight issues. But I guess it’s all connected. Coz my childhood had its on issues and darkness too, the weight problems didn’t start until I moved to my mums house..

I was laughed at for having a huge butt when I moved to my mums house as a teenager. They called my butt a barn door at high school. I then started to hate my body. At the age of 13. I have always been taller than everyone else. And wider. Hips runs in the family.

I had boobs at the age of 12. And the attention for it too. I hated it.

So I stopped eating for awhile. I lived on diet coke and apples. And I got skinny. Too skinny. But I felt good and happy about it. And I got my first boyfriend.

During my teens I had a nasty sexual experience,it made me hate my body even more.

Then I got content about my body and i started to eat again. I started on birth control, the pill. And I gained weight. I didn’t feel bad about it as long as the relationship was good. When it started to fail, so did my feelings towards my body.

When the relationship ended I had my first break down mentally. It probably starts at the end of my relationship coz I had anxiety of dying at the age of 20. But that’s another story.

With my breakdown came overeating, and purging. It held my weight in check for awhile. Then came alcohol and I gained weight, then lost it, then gained.
The only time I felt good about myself again was when I moved to Thailand. I was active with diving and out dancing the nights away. My body felt good. So I had no issues with weight or food for the two years I was living in Thailand. Thailand is the place I met the love of my life too. And for the first time since I became sexually active I had sex without alcohol involved.

When he tragically passed, I moved back to Norway and started to abuse my body again with food and purging. Around the age of 26 I had another sexual assault, I hated my body even more. So I ate to get fat, to hide myself behind the unsexy fat suit.

And I kept it up until I got pregnant with Lara. Even as I got pregnant while back on holiday in Thailand I didn’t treat my body very well. It was the positive pregnancy test that I got back in Norway that changed my attitude for the better.

I asked for counseling again, coz I wanted to prepare myself for a life as a single mother. And with my background with depressions I wanted to stay in front of the problem in case I had a backlash. And I wanted to stop my eating disorder. I wanted to be a good example for my child. A role model.

So I stopped purging. And I had more control over my food. I even lost all the baby weight after the delivery. I felt really good about my body for a awhile.

Then I met the father of my two other kids. He loved my figure. He himself was a bit on the heavy side. I had never been with someone like him before, it was strange and new. But it made it easier to accept myself too. It was the second time in my life I had sex without alcohol involved. He made me feel confident. He made me feel sexy.

And I loved taking care of him. I cooked enormous meals. And we both gained weight. We became unhealthy, but we still felt the attraction, so we didn’t worry to much. And we were probably more apart then together during the four years we tried to save our relationship. And I had two pregnancies in a short amount of time. It’s only 15 months between Lily and Leon. And spending a lot of time alone while he left for the U.S. made me overeat and not care about my weight during the pregnancies.

Three years ago I ended it all with him. And I put all my energy into work and my kids. I tried to not focus to much on food, but when I stressed I started to overeat again. During the night. Until I discovered yoga the summer of 2013. I had an awesome fall with stability at work, with the kids and loved to explore yoga and healthier lifestyles. I loved green smoothies and became more aware about what I was eating.

Then in February this year I fell on the ice and hurt my foot. I tried my best to heal fast and stay with the yoga. But it didn’t work. So I turned to food. Work was super stressful and I turned to food at night. We were growing out of our apartment, and the stress made me turn to more food. Lara had a hard time at school, so I turned to food. I felt so alone with the kids, so I turned to food.

And depressions started to emerge, I felt worthless.

So in a time with lots of stress I quit my job and apartment. My father offered me to rent my childhood house. It felt safe. It felt like the right thing to do.

And today I’m happy about the move. I had just not thought about all the suppressed memorize I have from this home. And they are emerging. Good and bad. But I noticed it early in the fall and told my doctor I needed therapy.

I needed to get a grip on my depression.

And later I have found out that I struggle with bad anxiety. And a bad eating disorder.

This fall has been strange. Very stressful, filled with food orgies. I have tried to purge, but felt bad about it because I have two girls I want to be a role model for. So I’m now eating. And gaining weight.

Waiting.

For what I don’t know. All I know is that I have never been this heavy, and I’m not dealing with it very well.

When the doctor gave me a check up everything was fine! Like I wasn’t overweight at all! And it makes it even worse, coz it feels like it’s all in my head. That I’m going crazy. And for what? To be skinny?

I don’t even want to be skinny, I just want to have a normal body weight, a normal body that feels healthy and good.

So when I see my doctor next week I’m going to talk to her about weight loss surgery. I need to get control in some way.

And it feels like the only way.

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12 thoughts on “Skinny..

  1. Feelings about your body is such a twisted, hard to handle thing. No one seems to like their body but I think when weight issues are involved it makes it even harder. My best friend struggles big time with her body image and she ties much of her happiness in with that. She’s a beautiful curvy lady but she only sees fat.

    I think you need to do what you can to help yourself. If your doctor is giving you a clean bill of health, that’s great because it gives you the option to start down any path you want to take, right?

    Take time to make good, informed decisions. I can tell by your writing that you have a good head on your shoulders. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! I’m also one to measure my personal happiness from my weight. It’s strange though coz the happiness around my kids has nothing to do with my weight.

      I’m not at a place where I will rush into anything, but I will address the issue on my next appointment. I have had the same doctor since I was17 do she knows all about my weight and eating issues, so she will help me find the right solutions for sure.

      ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh Maria, How to reply….I have the 100% opposite problem. I shut down on my already small frame when stressed, sad, anxious etc. I have tried everything (except 3 meals a day) to gain weight. My twins are 15 kilos more than me and are gorgeous. My oldest is exactly the same as me. We all wish we were in the others bodies. I think our eating disorders, if I may call them that, are ourselves beating ourselves up. Why can’t we learn and accept that we have a God given weight and frame and accept i? Why do we play games with our mind using our bodies while beating them up. It is funny (not really) that I am on another shut down phase and can go with nothing but a jogurt in a day. Horrible…but I know it is my mental state of mind doing it. Me not being happy, balanced, content, who the hell knows what, is always a direct relation to my weight. Once life was grand in my eyes and I had about 6 kilos more…now I head to a level that even scares myself. I am not saying not to operate, although it is a potentially life threatening one, but know you are a beautiful woman (I see you right in front of me) and you have the curves that I would love to have if not just ONCE in my life…to knw what it is like to be a real woman. Hugs…lots of hugs, Heather

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you!!! Even how strange it might sound, it feels kind of good to hear the other side of the scale too. Eating disorders are horrible, and sadly it’s all in the mind. I just don’t trust my mind to be able to deal with it any more, but will of course not rush into surgery if my therapist and doctor are all against it. If they believe I can handle my weight issue with my mind I will let them help me believe it too ❤️

      Sending you lots of love ❤️💚

      Liked by 1 person

  3. It sounds like you have thought it through and you are ready to find out the underlying causes through therapy, consult with the doctor, and also considering surgery is a big step too. All of these things point towards someone ready to take on their anxieties and gain control of their life again. So, it’s a positive thing you are doing. The last detail is to gain the right insights that help you find a balance in your life that you can sustain and that you are happy with. You are already a wonderful person and you will do it, not doubt. Just believe it and then try on a big smile.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. The first step is awareness…and you have that for sure. Your post reflects so much. You understand your history with food better than most, and are not afraid to admit it. That shows tremendous strength and personal power. You can be any shape you choose to be. You are on your way !

    Liked by 1 person

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