Dreams. What a beautiful word. But what a horrible feeling they can give.
I dreamt about my ex last night. And have been over the last couple of months. Dreams were things are like paradise, or where we are fighting like mad! Its never in between. Its never normal. I never wake up with a good feeling. I always wake up with anxiety and stress. From the inside all out, sometimes it even feels like a layer on my skin.
Today was one of these mornings. I just wanted to dig a deep hole through my floor and hide deep down. Deep deep deep down.
Its been three years since I last saw him. Since we last spoke. As far as I know we have both gone through our own dark paths. I have no idea where he is today. And most of the time I really dont want to know either. Untill I have my dreams. My horrible dreams. Dreams that sometimes are filled with so much love and hope. Other times only destruction.
I have unresolved feelings towards him. Or Im just lonely. I dont feel lonely. But I might be deep inside. I really dont know. I know Im sad about how things ended. I had so high hopes for us. I have two babies with him. I wouldnt have had them if I didnt at some point feel we had a future. I wanted to marry him. I had a dress. The girls had bridesmaid dresses. I had the rings. I burned it all. Everything is gone.
His ex wife is the one who found me on Insta the other day, who made me paranoid. She was always a huge part of our relationship. Not in a good way. They had kids. So I understand they needing to have a relationship. But so many times he turned to her instead of me. And I have always felt sad about that. It hurt. And to some point it still does.
Fuck. I hope these feelings will pass. I dont need more complications in my life. I dont need these feelings at all. I feel so great with my kids. And I truly have high hopes for my life in 2015. I know I am on the right path. And I know things will be rough, but only because they will get better.
I hate when I let myself feel sad about someone who hurt me so deeply. And someone who still hurts his own kids. Its been three years since he saw them too. Now we are to far away for them to see each other. The distance is to far. Maybe when they are adults. But not sure if that will be happening either. They are strangers. And today it feels like its my fault. It feels like I didnt give enough in the relationship. My sane mind know I did. I gave more than most people would. I accepted more than most people would too.
And in the end I would never trust him again. I am broken. We are forever broken. There is nothing in this world that could fix us. Us is over. And I need to move on. I have seen others over the last three years, I have even been in love. But it was a hopeless crush. It felt good though. And I know I am capable to love again. So why cant I love myself higher?
Thats where I need to start. With loving myself. First step is to like myself. Next find my value. Then raise my value. Then I believe I will love myself. Completly.
Someone adviced me to make a shorter goal. I have a goal for my 40th birthday. And I will keep that goal. But I am going to set shorter goals too. And I feel the best path is therapy at my doctor and therapist office, and in addition to that I will turn back to my yoga practice. I want to have a daily practice. Even if its only for 10 minuts a day. Thats my first goal for the new year. And thats were I will find healing. I know I will. And I believe with my heart and soul I will.
Its time to look forward and embrace the new year! I will continue to work on my goals for myself and my family for the new year. Hopefully I will have a vision board ready for New Years Eve 🙂
And with all these feelings going on today didnt turn out like planned. Lily is also having a bad cough, so she spent the afternoon with my grandparents while I took Lara and Leon to the movies. We saw the Madagaskar Penguines, it was fun. And we stopped by my dads house and gave him another hug before he is flying off to Spain tomorrow for many months. We will miss him a lot. But its good for his body, so I truly feel happy that he got the opportunity to buy his place in Spain. It will hopefully give him many good years in his old age.
Now Lara is sleeping over at my grandparents house. Lily is sleeping and Leon is cuddling in bed with Netflix 🙂 Im sitting in a very dark living room with a couple of candle lights pondering over my post. A part of me wants to delet it, it feels too much. Too raw. I havent talked to anyone about my feelings and issues with my ex lately. But last nights dream is still on my skin, in my mind.. so I need to write it out. I know it will help. All my writing over the last 6 months has helped me so much. Its healing. T H E best healing.
Sending you my love ❤