being present

So its been some days.

Life happened I guess.

In a good way, mostly.

Been having a quiet Easter this year.

Been spending some days with friends, but mostly only me and the kids.

Just how I love it.

Been thinking a lot about how much life changes.

Not only by my own actions, but so much by others too.

Like my kids.

And my mum.

My mum separated from her boyfriend some weeks ago.

And she has been a wreck.

She tried to reach out to me, but I just had to stay away from it all.

I can’t be her go-to-person when life kicks her around.

She doesn’t have any foundation in life.

And I can not be it.

She need to find her own strength.

So my uncle died as mentioned before.

And it did not make things any better.

Again she called out to me.

But I had again to choose to stay away.

Her focus is her own hurt.

Her own loss.

And she was so lost on pills and her own sadness that she made no sense to my brother or sister.

SO I had to stay away.

I could not enter her darkness.

I truly believe she need professional help.

I truly believe she needs to be admitted.

And not for a 24 hour emergency thing.

She need to stay for as long as it will take for her to get her head on place.

And honestly it will take a lot.

She has always been emotionally unstable.

She has always been the victim.

And we, her kids, her ex, her parents, everyone around her is the cause of it.

Everyone.

She has no blame.

No responsibility.

In her mind.

Not in mine.

I am done being blamed about her bad choices.

I am here.

I am now.

I never forced her to leave me.

I was 4 years old.

And I am here.

I am now 38 years old.

I choose to stay out of her life.

I am an adult that knows what is best for me.

I am choosing me.

And you know what, so did she back then.

She choose herself.

And now she regrets it.

But that’s life.

Her ex-boyfriend came back when my uncle died.

I got sad for him.

But they are trying to figure things out.

And he wanted to get my perspective on it.

He wanted to hear my story.

My view on the relationship with my mum.

I told him he could get it.

Then I changed my mind.

Coz really what has the relationship between me and my mum have to do with their relationship?

He is a good man.

And he deserves a good life.

I was actually happy when he chose to move to another town, the town where his kids lives.

I am not sure he can get a good life with my mum.

I am not sure she will ever have a good life.

She keeps choosing pain.

So I told him I couldn’t have that talk with him.

And I wrote a short message about some of the fuck ups between my mum and me and why I feel like I do.

I wont be diving into it with him.

My 9-year-old said this the other day:

“Why does grandma always make herself so sad? Why does she always make herself cry?”

My 9-year-old has observed what I have seen my whole life.

She makes herself sad.

She makes herself cry.

Some day I will write my life story.

It might even happen here on my blog.

One day, when I am ready.

I don’t remember much from my early childhood.

It’s not much I remember of my mum.

She was never really present.

I have absolutely no memory of her living with us.

I remember my great-grandmother better than my mum.

At one point in my life I also chose to call my step mum “mummy”.

I chose so.

My grandmother and mum thinks she forced me.

But I chose to.

I will have to live with my choice.

Like I do with all the choices I have made so far in my life.

And I will.

I have no regrets.

I am here now.

I am present.

I make my choices out of love for myself.

And my kids.

I am here.

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10 thoughts on “being present

    1. But also hard to stay away from her, its like I feel guilt when I close the door and time passes, but every time I have opened it again I know I have regretted it! SO this time I just want to be guilt free and focused on my therapy and own healing ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Maria
        It takes two people with a strong desire to make a relationship work. One can’t change the other or change for the other. Maybe set aside some time to analyze why you broke up, why you want to have a relationship and what kind of relationship. Sometimes we have to push our quilt aside and admit the person is toxic for you and will not work. Also a good topic to start the process of getting to know your therapist.
        I’m sending good karma you way.
        M

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I had a good talk with his ex-wife the other day and peaked into some old emails from him. I realized then that my feelings for him is gone.. that we didnt have a good tone with each other the last year together and that i have moved forward and are not willing to go back. It was nice to realize all this just by talking to her and reading his old emails. Strange how healing comes in strange places ❤ Will absolutely bring this up with my therapist, coz I know there are still some feelings regarding our relationship I need to work through. Hugs.

        Liked by 1 person

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