Awareness

Awareness and self-worth was the theme of my therapy session yesterday.

And before I continue I have to say this to my friends reading my blog:

This is not about YOU this is about ME.

Okay, here we go.

A week ago today I got papers about my abilities during my teacher training.

And honestly they were amazing.

And it’s really hard for me to say about something that is written or being said about myself.

But while my teacher was reading it loud for me I cried.

Not sad tears, happy tears.

Coz she had observed me and my teacher role just as I wanted it to be.

She had seen the teacher in me that I feel is in me, and that I always doubt are there too.

And I was so honored to hear her words.

And I was so proud of myself to hear them too.

And I wanted to share the words with everyone.

So I updated my status on FB and got plenty of congratulations, and “I told you so” and etc.

And all I wanted was for someone to ask about her words.

Her view on my practice.

And I brought that up during therapy yesterday.

Coz I am so damn proud of my efforts.

And I feel I am finally doing something beyond being a mum that I am good at.

And I had to ask in therapy if I was to self-centered to feel sad about no one around wanting to hear about my teachers review.

And that I felt everyone expected me to manage this, but that I personally feel every pass or good feedback is a victory!

She then asked me this:

“Does anyone around you know how much you judge yourself and how important this education is to you? Like REALLY how important it is?”

And honestly.

I don’t know.

I think I see myself very differently than people around me.

And I don’t let anyone get very close, so how can they know?

How can they know how huge this is for me unless I tell them.

And then I said to my therapist:

People always praise me for being alone with three kids, telling me how brave I am that manage all I do as a mum.

And that pisses me off!

Coz I am a mum.

And what that role involves is a given for me to do!

And I would NEVER let anything happen to my kids that I could have prevented.

I will always protect and love them.

It’s a natural part of me.

So I get irritated when people give me honor about it!

And my therapist just looked at me.

Then she said, don’t you think people in general would like to hear that they are doing a good job as a single parent.

And really I don’t know the answer to that either.

Coz its my life, its my reality, and I don’t need it.

I love being a mum.

It has been the one thing I have felt good at since day one.

Now I feel good at teaching.

And I don’t take that as a given.

So what I learned yesterday was that I should not expect responds out of people because of how I feel.

I need to say it out loud.

I need to speak my needs.

And it will not happen today, or tomorrow.

But hopefully one day.

I need to not get so sad when people don’t act as I want them too out of my own feelings that I don’t express!

WOW! What a stupid sentence.

But it has been the truth.

I am now moving away from that sentence.

Step by step I will learn to adjust my expectations and feelings and use my words accordingly ❤

Peace, out!

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