Blah day!

today is a blah day.

And there is nothing that will save the day. I am so upset about my arm, and all I want to do is to scream!

The whole summer will be like this. Stuck at home, not being able to drive is really getting to me.

In the hospital I was stressed about getting into a new depression. I was scared all this time stuck would make me upset and sad.

I have been home for a week, been doing my best to keep my mood balanced.

But today I just can’t get out of my head.

There is so much I need to address financially, and I can’t do anything with one arm. It feels like I’m drowning financially.

And with all this extra time trying to relax so my arm is healing just makes me think about my finances even more.

And on the 17th I will have my oral math exam, just pray I pass so I will have some feeling of accomplishment this summer.

My dream now is to take the kids out of school for two weeks in the winter or fall and go to Spain to just breathe.

That’s the only thing holding me up or together when I think about this summer at home.

Luckily my oldest has friends that invite her to participate in different activities every now and then. And the two youngest are really good at playing outside and around the house. They also have a couple of kids they can play with outside.

All I want to do is bury myself under the covers and watch movies. But I try to drag myself out of bed, to get dressed and so I feel somewhat okay at the couch all day long.

Usually I find comfort in food, but now I don’t even have an appetite. And I can’t really cook either with one arm. I’m horrible at using my left arm too.

Today I wish I was living in the city. Today I wish I was living abroad on the beach in Thailand or some other hot place. Today I wish I had a boyfriend, that could help me, comfort me or just love me.

It’s pathetic to feel so sorry for myself.

And it will only drive me into darkness.

So now I’m going to try to do my best to not stick my feet into the darkness. Instead I will dive into a book and drink a cup of tea and not worry about what is or what is to come.

Despite my broken arm and messed up finances, I am breathing, I have a roof over my head, I have food and I have happy kids.

I have survived so much, I will make it through this too.


9 thoughts on “Blah day!

  1. Hey
    I’m Bipolar to, when starting to spiral it changes how I feel about myself. Your mental illness and negative self talk is beating you down. The most important I learned is, keep an emergency list for you, guts and all. Name & phone of critical doctors to call, all meds including any supplement, herbs.
    note you are Bipolar. I know you don’t have many family members to step up and care for kids if needed, the best reason to have a plan.
    The kids need a plan also, age appropriate. Tell them it’s emergency information, give them an example of an emergency. The likely hood of them needing it is slim, we never now.
    What peeved me while going from doctor to doctor, filling out paperwork I wouldn’t know all the info. I also have a heart condition, every time we went to hospital my husband could handle most of what they needed.
    We have an illness we can’t control, we can’t lock it away. I hope this helps in some way. Use what you know on managing your illness. It will past, we want it now. Did I send you a Mood Chart, it’s very simple. The info on the charts told him what I could not see. We where not commuting, my Therapist showed me how the chart was the link in our misunderstandings. I have a post showing it, have a larger better to read version. I’m happy to email you, it might help you and Doctor or Therapist.
    I here for you

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ll email it. The key in looking at lines that say normal and my normal. That was were my doctor realized my normal everyday mood is not what he considers normal mood. You can see the difference, I was much more depressed than he thought.
        Sending over.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s normal to have those down days while you are recovering. You’re doing everything you can at the moment. Try not to get stuck in that down mood. Focus on recovery. You’ve got the right mind set. It’s just a matter of holding on to it. This will pass!

    Liked by 1 person

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