today is a blah day.
And there is nothing that will save the day. I am so upset about my arm, and all I want to do is to scream!
The whole summer will be like this. Stuck at home, not being able to drive is really getting to me.
In the hospital I was stressed about getting into a new depression. I was scared all this time stuck would make me upset and sad.
I have been home for a week, been doing my best to keep my mood balanced.
But today I just can’t get out of my head.
There is so much I need to address financially, and I can’t do anything with one arm. It feels like I’m drowning financially.
And with all this extra time trying to relax so my arm is healing just makes me think about my finances even more.
And on the 17th I will have my oral math exam, just pray I pass so I will have some feeling of accomplishment this summer.
My dream now is to take the kids out of school for two weeks in the winter or fall and go to Spain to just breathe.
That’s the only thing holding me up or together when I think about this summer at home.
Luckily my oldest has friends that invite her to participate in different activities every now and then. And the two youngest are really good at playing outside and around the house. They also have a couple of kids they can play with outside.
All I want to do is bury myself under the covers and watch movies. But I try to drag myself out of bed, to get dressed and so I feel somewhat okay at the couch all day long.
Usually I find comfort in food, but now I don’t even have an appetite. And I can’t really cook either with one arm. I’m horrible at using my left arm too.
Today I wish I was living in the city. Today I wish I was living abroad on the beach in Thailand or some other hot place. Today I wish I had a boyfriend, that could help me, comfort me or just love me.
It’s pathetic to feel so sorry for myself.
And it will only drive me into darkness.
So now I’m going to try to do my best to not stick my feet into the darkness. Instead I will dive into a book and drink a cup of tea and not worry about what is or what is to come.
Despite my broken arm and messed up finances, I am breathing, I have a roof over my head, I have food and I have happy kids.
I have survived so much, I will make it through this too.