If we were having coffee today it would be in our pajamas on my couch after way too many drinks last night. Because after this week I really needed a blowout! And it’s not in a bad way.
If we were having coffee today I would tell you that the meeting I attended on Wednesday shook my world. I might have mentioned this meeting last year, and I’m really happy it didn’t happen until now. A year ago I might not have healed, I might have gone deeper into the darkness instead. I deeply feel this past year has brought me to the place I am today where the information I got was appreciated not devastating.
So what kind of information did I get?
Well if we were having coffee today I would tell you that I have now seen all the official papers from my childhood. Not my father’s story, not my mother story, not my story, but the official records with dates and facts. And you might think it’s not important to read all of these. But honestly I have been hearing so many different stories that it was really important to see these.
Did it change my view on anything? Yes it did.
For the first time I now know that my father never wanted to adopt us away.
For the first time I now know what happened when my mom decided to leave us. And there is nothing in this world that can change my view on that anymore. I have an official paper with dates and actions. And for the first time ever I know I was never the reason she left.
And to some it might feel like we should be closer because of this information, but it has brought me further away from her. There is no longer any excuse in being only 16 when she had me. She had support but she ignored it. She left. No one forced her.
If we were having coffee I will tell you that I don’t need to go deeper into that I’m climbing up the rabbit hole. I would tell you that what I read this week gave me closure on so many levels.
But at the same time it opened doors. Suddenly there are people around me remembering. There are people who saw me back then for who I am today. It might sound strange, but my teachers from first grade described the person I am today back then. And suddenly I’m not unsure of who I am.
Suddenly I see my purpose.
So if we were having coffee today I will tell you that on Friday I put my big girl pants on and I went for what I want it. I have been unsure about my teacher practice. There’s a certain place I wanted to be, but I wasn’t brave enough to tell my student counselor. But on Friday I asked the school I wanted to be at if I could do my teacher practice there. The answer was yes! So now I get to learn from a great teacher that I truly believe can teach me a lot.
So now you understand why this would be the morning after coffee. Because these things I mention are only high lights, there has been lots of other stuff happening too! But all those other things are life now, Life in this small town is so much busier than I’m used to in the city! But I love it, and I’m feeling happy again.
So if we were having coffee now I would ask you what makes you happy? How does happiness feel to you?