Sunday night and we are having coffee again. It feels like yesterday and a year ago since the last time, strange how time feels so crazy at times!
If we where having coffee today it would again be at my house since I have been a good student today! I have actually managed to read a whole book and are half way ready for Tuesdays lecture. Tomorrow I need to read some more, but at least it will be less than I thought this morning.
If we were having coffee today I would tell you that I am actually proud of myself today. Last week at campus could have gone so bad, but instead it went really well. Strangely there where students that recognized me and wanted to get to know me!! And in addition I presented our group work in front of the class AND I did participate throughout both days. Without having a melt down. I actually felt fine. THAT is progress. And like I have written in my gratitude posts the only time I had a crash and burn was when I tried to sneak out after dinner, so no more sneaking out for me. From now on I will always own my space and forever stop hiding myself. I feel worthy of my own self respect.
But as you know our coffee dates is not always about fun and exciting things, coz usually my week is like a crazy roller coaster! And even though my week was pretty balanced, my kids had their own little crazy roller coaster at their grandmas house. And as you know from previous coffee dates, me and her = anger. So I was never happy when the kids asked me to go there. But another thing I have promised myself is to not destroy their relationship, as long as it is healthy I will support it. BUT last time I picked them up there the oldest cried in the car, so I was a bit stressed about it all. But the oldest wanted this, she begged. So I told them yes and dropped them off on Wednesday.
Since we don’t have coffee that often I must tell you that even though I missed them as soon as I came home, it is a bit nice to have the house to myself. Especially when the oldest sends me happy text messages. On Thursday they stopped, and I got a bit stressed. But I didn’t want to add oil to the fire, so I just let her be quiet and instead prepared myself for emotions when I was picking her up on Friday. My instinct was right, as soon as we drove out of the driveway she was crying. My big little 10 year old cried like a baby. She was so stressed and upset, and my heart bled for her. But I had to just breath and slowly get her to tell me what had happened.
And she told me that grandma had told her that she would die if she didn’t eat her broccoli!!!! O M G! Did you choke on your coffee? I’m so sorry! And my reaction? I started to laugh! And my kid cried louder! She was petrified and thought she would now die because she had denied to eat broccoli! And it was the top of the iceberg.. After I calmed her down from that she told me that she had not been allowed to get out of the bath by herself, 10 years old!! And because grandma was busy smoking and on the phone downstairs she had been sitting there by herself until the bath was cold 😦 To afraid to get out! And honestly it scares me that she is so scared of her grandmother! She would never have done that with me. And she told me so many things a kid should not have observed or felt, and I told her that I honestly don’t want them to go back there. But that if they really want to go I will not deny them either.
If we had coffee together today I would have wanted your advice on this craziness! I would have love to hear your view on it all. Some would think it is my kids imagination, but all three kids confirmed each other, and is it possible for them to create all this together? And I know this grownup, or at least I know her behavior. So I believe my kids.
So if you have read my gratitude post about yesterday you noticed that we stayed in bed all day. Well this is why. We were all exhausted. They emotionally and I mentally.
If we were having coffee I would tell you that I am not ready for life tomorrow either, I wish I could just stay in bed for some more days. Just to be. Right now life feels a tad bit to rough. And 2016 has not been having a slow and calm start, but I don’t want to loose control, so I am holding on.
Tomorrow I will read and stay home. Tomorrow I will just enjoy life and not worry about the extended family. Tomorrow my family again is me and the kids. We are the unity I need to have a good life.
And I forgot to tell you that I am struggling with my University too, they are being rather rigid about my education plan, and it might be that I have to choose to change University. But the problem then might be that I will not get my degree approved. And this is only because I want English to be my major subject. It is really upsetting. But I will contact an alternative University tomorrow to see if they can approve my degree if I take the English I want at their University. So fingers crossed on a good solution, because then I also might be done next spring!
It was great to have coffee with you, and as always I have plenty to share 😉 How has your week been?