Today I have a hard time being grateful. For the first time since we moved here I hate it here. Countryside living is just not easy. Being alone with kids are not easy. The community expects us to be a part of everything, but the same community doesn’t open up for new people.
It’s been 20 months, close to 2 years, since we moved here and we are still “new”. Outsiders.
I hate being introverted on days like these. Days were I need people around me. It makes me feel like a misfit. A freak. I want to protect my kids from this and my impulse is to keep them closer, shield them from this community . But they want to be a part. And that’s natural. So I smile when they are up. But I cry when I’m alone.
I hate feelings like this. It’s two steps forward and five back. People shouldn’t affect me this much. I know better.
So today I’m grateful that my kids are doing their best to not feel hurt when it’s obvious that I can’t do everything alone and have to let them down. And I’m grateful that 98% of the time our life is possible to enjoy without the help of others. Hopefully their experience of living in this town is better than mine, hopefully they feel like they are a part of this community more than I do so far.
Hope is what I’m scratching for, my kids deserves great people in their life and right now I’m scared we lost them when we moved here.