Old patterns..

I have written about my worst fear before. The fear of my sons school start. The fear of him being the misunderstood. The bully. The punk-ass kid no one likes. The disliked child.

The first 6 weeks went like heaven! The school didn’t understand my worries, because it went so well.

Well, then things turned. In a heartbeat.

Now he is the bully. He needs to be watched to protect another child.

WHAT?

I just don’t understand this. But I am not shrugging it off as an innocent thing either. I don’t understand his actions, and he can not explain them either.

Well, he is six years old.

He is not a demon child out to hurt anyone. He is not being cruel because he likes it. He just don’t understand certain social codes.

So before the fall break I spoke to his school and I had faith in the teacher and student counselor. I still do.

But I don’t have faith in the other child’s parents.

I have not spoken about this case with anyone around me for one single reason.

I LIVE IN A TINY VILLAGE WHERE WORDS TRAVEL FASTER THAN A FART!

And I hold my son responsible for his part in this. And I want to give the school and him a chance to make the changes that is needed for. I give my son a chance to change. I don’t think this is his path to a life as a bully.

But today the other parents show me that they have no intention to see my son as a good child that can change.

They are talking about this case with other parents. So a parent I don’t know posted a message on Facebook in the class group that “someone” is being bullied and we need a meeting to solve this.

The parents need a meeting to solve this.

I just saw the gossip spread, the questions, and the feelings. The hate. The stress.

So in desperation I posted in the same group that I am aware of my sons actions, that we are being guided by the school and that they are doing their best to help both of these boys.

I don’t need a “town-meeting” where people meet up to figure out who this horrible bully of a kid is.

I need grown ups that understand that these kids are 6 years old and need guidance and help. But most of all more love and acceptance.

But my first thought when all this happened?

Well my son wasn’t the only one who went back to his old patterns. I was ready to pack my suitcase, throw the kids in the car and leave that place faster than ever!

But I stayed.

I want to fight for my son. He deserves someone who fights for him. He deserve to be given the chance to change. To understand his own lacks.

He is a good child. A caring and lovable child.

So I am rolling up my sleeves and I am getting ready for the biggest fight of my life!

Accepting his wrong doing, helping him to change and still never stop loving him!

 

 

 

Weekend coffee share ☕️

 

weekendcoffeeshareIf we were having coffee today I would be happy and sad at the same time.

Happy because I have had a great weekend with my kids at home. Sad because I suck at being a student at the moment.

If we were having coffee right now I would tell you that I need to focus on my studies. I have hardly put in an hour on my pedagogical class, and today I just got feedback on my assignment. And I failed. Mostly because I have not been using the right reference in my text. But I also know the text is weak. So now I need to get it done, better. Much better. And it really scares me, since I have my bachelor assignment also. And I haven’t even started. So now I need to focus on school and turn down work. I just can’t do them both. And that’s why last year went so well too. Because I focused on school.

You know I hate this though. But no human is able to do it all, so I just have to do some work, and more school. Prioritize. Tomorrow will be a new path. Tomorrow I will make changes. Yes. And I feel good about it, because I have been worrying about this a lot!

If we were having coffee today I would tell you that I am still feeling hunger most of the time, but I now also feel fullness after a meal!! That’s a new win!! Not after every meal. And not because I am stuffing my face. But on those days I manage to drink enough water and eat regularly I feel full after every meal. Now I just need to make it a habit.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I have finally been brave enough in therapy to address my past regarding the sexual abuse and how I let men treat me like an object, and how that leads me to never manage to have an ordinary conversation with men. It is scary! But it feels like this is the missing part of my complete healing. And when this heal, my weight will also be easier to release. It is deeply connected.
I can tell you though that I am moving forward regarding men and everyday conversations. So it is a small step, and I love those small wins! Together they will all be a huge win one day 🙂

If we were having coffee I would tell you that we now have complete skiing gear and that I actually hope for some more snow so I can take the kids out skiing this winter. I have not been on skis since I was a teenager, so it will be very interesting to say the least 😛 But I want the kids to love the outdoors more, so I have to set an example.. At least try to set a good example 😉
So how was your week? Are you exciting about something right now? Or stressed? Would love to hear from you! Have an amazing week, and hopefully I will be back for coffee next week 🙂

Sunday SONG!

Almost forgot this one, but as I am laying down in bed I just needed some comfort music, so here is some for you too! Have a great night sleep whenever that happen ❤

“Teardrop”

[Liz Fraser:]

Love, love is a verb
Love is a doing word
Fearless on my breath
Gentle impulsion
Shakes me, makes me lighter
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

Night, night after day
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my…

Water is my eye
Most faithful mirror
Fearless on my breath
Teardrop on the fire
Of a confession
Fearless on my breath
Most faithful mirror
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

You stumble in the dark
You stumble in the dark

Source: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/massiveattack/teardrop.html

Day 106 of gratitude ❣

  
Today I drove back to the city to have my last appointment with my doctor. 

First time I met her was 19 years ago, half my life ago. Half my life she has been my rock. Just having the opportunity to sit in her chair and talk has several times saved my life, and sanity. 

She has been with me through heartbreaks and pregnancies. Through an abortion, several attempts of suicides, my eating disorders, my depressions and several other illnesses. 

I have over all these years only trusted her completely in my life. She became my rock, a part of my family. A part of my path. 

Today we cried and hugged. We talked about the first time we met. She still remember how I looked like that first time we met. And I told her she has become like a grandmother to me. I told her I might have not been here today if she hadn’t taken her time to listen to me. So many times she has just listened. And cared. 

Today our paths separated. I am scared of managing without her guidance. She is scared of retirement. A new life for her. A new life for me. We ended the talk with tears and hugs and declared that we both are “big girls” ready for the new. 

So today all my gratitude goes to my doctor Ragnhild who I will miss dearly the rest of my life.  I pray that your retirement will bring you lots of happiness and peace, and I will keep my promise and always keep fighting ❤️

  

Sunday song!

After writing my weekly coffee share this song popped into my mind. I used to listen to Linkin Park a lot before I got kids, but after I got kids I just haven’t had much time alone where I can blast this music. Coz Linkin Park needs to be blasted! So tomorrow when kids are at school I will blast lots and lots of Linkin Park, and I know it will do great things with my mood 😉 Have a good Sunday out there ❤

“Somewhere I Belong”

(When this began)
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find
That I’m not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
But all that they can see the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own[Chorus]
I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I’ve got nothing to say
I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find
That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I)
What do I have but negativity
’Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

[Repeat Chorus]

I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away, I’ll find myself today

[Repeat Chorus]

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong

Day 46 of gratitude 🌲

Today it would be so easy to give up on gratitude because of my financial mess that keep kicking my butt 😫 

B U T instead I’m finding gratitude in living on the country side after almost 20 years in the city!

Here I can enjoy the nature at my doorstep and at work! That’s a true blessing no matter how much money I have or not have in my bank account 🙏🏻💕 

And i refuse to get depressed about my finances 👊🏻

#blessed 

 

Always keep fighting

As some of you know I’m a huge comic fan! so I have been keeping myself updated on the San Diego comic con. And when I read this on Facebook I literally broke down in tears.

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=407037122835222&substory_index=0&id=277897975749138

It is something special when a huge community comes together with support. 

I’m one who struggle with mental illnesses and one who wants the stigma to go away. And even though I’m just a tiny person in this huge world I will always keep fighting.

When I see famous people being honest about their struggles it helps me to keep fighting.
#alwayskeepfighting