Life-as-it-is-Wednesday!

So getting back to writing feels perfect in my head, but it is way harder to actually get it done! And I feel deeply that I need it, so why is it so hard to just do it?

I guess it is like my studies too, I avoid it as long as I can even though I know I need it. And just like last fall and the fall before that I question my studies. Did I make the right choice? Should I stop this subject and instead take another one?

I am so afraid of failing and not being good enough that I put myself in this corner of fear. I tell myself everyday that I have made the wrong choices all along. And in the end I finally believe my evil voice..

So how can I be trapping out of therapy when I know I still are hurting myself in my head? Well I hope I now have the tools to take care of the healing and to clear my mind when it happens instead of falling into the well known dark hole.

The hole I seem to crawl at every fall.

Why is it like that? Why does the fall that I love so deeply also bring the darkest times in my life?

Well I guess it must have something to do with the heat and light that slowly disappear.  Maybe I’m not a fall person after all? Maybe I’m really a summer girl? Maybe seeing myself as a fall girl has made it okay for me to nurture my need of hiding and being alone?

What if I am a summer girl that loves people and loves the heat?

Well I do love the light and I do love the sun, the beaches and the sand. But I know in my core that I am an introvert. SO the people is okay, but I will never love the public. But having more people in my life is a goal, so maybe I can see myself as a summer girl that loves some attention and some happiness and joy 😉

Life is funny, and when I take my time to sit down like this to reflect I see that I am okay. That I am where I am supposed to be ❤

Day 14 of gratitude 📚

today I’m grateful that I was brave enough to respond to a fb message where I could sell some of my school books. It will finance those I need in English! Usually I’m to scared to arrange stuff like that, today I did it 👊🏻 

Bye bye old books, welcome new books 📚 

 

Absent!

I am so sorry for not responding to any comments right now.

Today I have spent 8 hours doing math, and the next couple of weeks will be all like this.

I have spent every hour when I haven’t made dinner or helped my kids solving math problems.

And I actually managed to deliver my test exam today too, 2 days before the deadline.

I answered maybe 95% of the questions, so I am now looking forward to get feedback on what I was doing right and what I did wrong.

Tomorrow I need to start a 7 page paper that needs to be done by Friday too.

So it’s a busy math life right now, but after the 1st of June I will have vacation until the middle of August!

That will be amazing!!!!

Thank you so much for all the support on my blog posts and for being around for me through happy days and dark days ❤

Books

I love books!

And when I moved into this current house I inherited two huge boxes of books someone was about to throw in the garbage!!

I don’t understand people who can throw books like garbage.

It hurts my heart.

So lucky for me I got them!

But I haven’t found room for them until today!!

So happy!

My oldest daughter had a huge shelf in her room (the black one in the pics) but all she used it for was clutter!

So today I changed up her room and took the shelf out to replace it with a closet for her clothes.

And I fitted the bookshelf into my living room!

hallelujah!

More books surrounding me is a joy!

         But now that I have finished moving everything around and put up all the books I got this strange thought.

“Why is it so important to me to have a nice decorated living room when I never have people over?!”

As some of you know I don’t like people a lot.

Especially not people in my home.

Or close to me, physically.

But it still matters to me to have a nice house.

Coz really I could just have my awesome bedroom and not care about the rest.

But I do.

So is my home a reflection of myself?

Yep, I believe so.

And one part of me is that I love to have a cozy atmosphere around me.

And I guess a part of me also like to fantasies and escape this harsh real word, to believe in happy endings.

Like a fairy tale.

And my books mean everything to me!

If this house burned down I would be devastated!

I have books in my shelf from when I was a teenager, and my kids have books in their selves from I was a kid!

Books is where I can escape.

As I did as a 7-year-old I can still do it as a 38-year-old.

And maybe one day I will open up my house for someone..

Miracles are known to happen 😉

Monday blues.. again!

I just wrote this blog post before another one called Mindful Monday, and some how it got emerged into one and I lost the one called Monday blues.. So here it is again, or at least something similar to it!

So today everyday life came back after two long weeks in the holiday bubble. And it was rough! Almost like running into a wall.. and I have actually tried that in my teens.. Went well back then, only a broken toe, and today went well too, only feeling drained.. nothing broken!

All of us had a hard time waking up, but we managed to get out of the house in time and with minimal yelling! I don’t understand how “take your shoes on” is better understood yelled than said.. Mystery of life I guess…

I had class again, and this time I was prepared. And it felt good, I just hope I will keep the energy up through all the semester. Math has always been my subject as a kid, so it would be nice to actually get a good grade in the summer.. Next class is on Wednesday. Not Math, so not a great class, but I will manage. The teachers are not my favorites, so I always find it hard to stay with the lecture. I tend to learn this subject better in teacher training than at lectures..

We went to Leon’s 4-year old check up today at the healthcare station. And its was interesting to see how much he has grown! He is now 112 cm and 20 kilo! So I haven’t shrunken his clothes.. he just need two sizes bigger than he has at the moment.. Time for some shopping I guess!

During the check up he had several conversations with the lady about daycare, his playtime etc etc. But she also asked about his dad.. And this is what happened then:

Lady: Do you see your dad?
Leon: Who is dad?
Me: Dad is daddy.

Lady: Do you see your daddy?

Leon: His name is not dad or daddy, it is David and he lives in America.

Me: Uh…

Yep! That was me. That face was mine for several seconds.

But in all honesty, I have told him that his dads name is David and he is from America. I just didn’t think that this is how he thought about it all. And really I don’t mind the kids thinking that he is in America. Coz how can I explain that he were living just down the road from us for three years and never saw them? How do you explain that to a 4-year old and a 5-year old? I have no idea. But I do understand that I need to address the issue soon. And it’s not like I am hiding him. They have pictures of him they can look at, they just never do. And they hardly ask about him either.. So I think its okay to leave it for now. And I just told the lady with a quiet voice that he is living in Oslo and that he haven’t seen the kids for three years. The conversation ended there. Phew.

Leon’s language skills was way better than I thought, so all my worries about issues are now released! She told me he was acting and scoring perfect on everything and that she didn’t see anything to be worried about during the 1 hour and 15 minutes we were there. I know he have some boundaries issues, but that’s my fault for letting him to close at me all the time. So I am going to work on that, and I do believe it will help him to understand others people’s boundaries and intimacy limits too. It’s nice to have a kiss every now and then, but he doesn’t need to be in my face all the time 😉

In the afternoon he had a birthday party to attend down the street and I had a really good time! It’s the first time since we moved here I actually enjoyed one of these “mandatory-parent-birthday-parties”! I didn’t even feel like a huge odd ball, just a tiny one 😉 And I talked a lot with the adults, instead of following Leon all around.. He actually did a good job at managing by himself without issues or any confrontations! It’s a huge step for him too!

Tonight all three kids went to bed early with a smile and a kiss! Its been a while, since they usually complain about going to bed to early. But I think they all loved to be back at school and daycare. So tomorrow I am having a study free day, so I am just going to lay low on the couch with my cup of tea and book! That will be some bad ass quality time for me!

Lots of love and light to all of you ❤