Staying in the light!

It is November! And I am not down in the darkness!! It has been a yearly happening over the last 5-6 years, “October-darkness”. October has usually kicked my butt pretty hard.

And this year started no different, the first two weeks of October had me crawling. I was so close to just give up. To give in. To not care.

But some where along those two weeks I felt the need to just not give a f**k! I decided that shit is bad, and shit will be bad for a while. So lets just make the best out of it! And by shit it is mostly finances and my baby boys issues at school.  But also self love. Self acceptance. Self worth. The usual shit.

And as I let it go things changed.

All of the sudden I was blessed with financial stability for the rest of the school year, I could finally just focus on my studies and kids. And as I let go of the need of fixing my baby boys issues, I just focused on him and encouraged him to make good choices EVERY day, something changed for him too! TWO huge stress factors were gone.

And in all of this I just decided that I have lost 17+- kilos and I am proud of it! My body is not perfect, and my weight is not at my goal-weight! But I am not giving up my good eating habits just because I don’t have time to exercise like I did earlier this year.

In April I decided to go plant-based, that means no meat, no diary and no oil. But it was hard!! So right now I am an vegetarian. No meat, no oil, but a tiny bit of diary. It is hard to get of the diary. I love cheese and sour cream to much! But I am scaling it down. And my goal for 2017 is to be able to live a plant base lifestyle 🙂

So over the last two weeks I have given my self some elbowroom to not get sad about the exercise part, and just because of that I started November with a smile!!

It doesn’t mean that my life is full of unicorns and rainbows lol there is still those dark moments and thoughts. But I am not letting them rule my life right now! I am working hard on having control over my thoughts. And I truly believe it will bring me all the healing I need when needed. And next month is my last session at my therapist, so I feel more confident now that I see that I can bring myself out of the mess in a much healthier way than before ❤

Choices!

So I have been missing in action again! I just don’t grasp time these days! Its flyyyyyying! The weeks are disappearing so fast, I’m literally looking over my Christmas stuff these days lol

Image result for choices memeThen we have all these choices.

How do we even know how to make the right choices?

Some weeks ago I was ready to embark into the jungle of online dating again! Like I didn’t learn my lesson already! But how do you meet anyone when you are alone with young kids? Well online is the answer I keep hearing from “everyone”.

But then I decided to delete the idea and just find peace in being alone. For now at least.

Was it the right choice, or was it fear that took control?

I have no clue, and this is how I resonate with everything these days.

Making choices and then second guessing them. Helping myself to get more confused, that’s all I do.

Image result for second guessing ecardsSo now I am second guessing my education path.

Again!

Not that I don’t want to be a teacher, but am I taking the right subjects? Should I delay what I am doing and choose differently?

OMG!

And then you have the weight loss situation! And the therapy situation! And the kids! And money! And! And! And!

Life is actually just a path of choices. And all we do is accepting choices. We either hit a wall and learn a lesson, or we choose right and experience happiness. So why is it so hard to just accept these parts of life?

Why do I wish over and over that I had no choice? Don’t you think I would have complained if the choices was gone too?

Image result for live in the momentI sure do.
SO! Enough about the whining, time to just enjoy the moment, challenge myself and keep accepting life as it is. NO more second guessing! So I might hit a dump in the road, but that is how I will grow! And that is how I will be a great role model for my kids too ❤

 

 

 

Old patterns..

I have written about my worst fear before. The fear of my sons school start. The fear of him being the misunderstood. The bully. The punk-ass kid no one likes. The disliked child.

The first 6 weeks went like heaven! The school didn’t understand my worries, because it went so well.

Well, then things turned. In a heartbeat.

Now he is the bully. He needs to be watched to protect another child.

WHAT?

I just don’t understand this. But I am not shrugging it off as an innocent thing either. I don’t understand his actions, and he can not explain them either.

Well, he is six years old.

He is not a demon child out to hurt anyone. He is not being cruel because he likes it. He just don’t understand certain social codes.

So before the fall break I spoke to his school and I had faith in the teacher and student counselor. I still do.

But I don’t have faith in the other child’s parents.

I have not spoken about this case with anyone around me for one single reason.

I LIVE IN A TINY VILLAGE WHERE WORDS TRAVEL FASTER THAN A FART!

And I hold my son responsible for his part in this. And I want to give the school and him a chance to make the changes that is needed for. I give my son a chance to change. I don’t think this is his path to a life as a bully.

But today the other parents show me that they have no intention to see my son as a good child that can change.

They are talking about this case with other parents. So a parent I don’t know posted a message on Facebook in the class group that “someone” is being bullied and we need a meeting to solve this.

The parents need a meeting to solve this.

I just saw the gossip spread, the questions, and the feelings. The hate. The stress.

So in desperation I posted in the same group that I am aware of my sons actions, that we are being guided by the school and that they are doing their best to help both of these boys.

I don’t need a “town-meeting” where people meet up to figure out who this horrible bully of a kid is.

I need grown ups that understand that these kids are 6 years old and need guidance and help. But most of all more love and acceptance.

But my first thought when all this happened?

Well my son wasn’t the only one who went back to his old patterns. I was ready to pack my suitcase, throw the kids in the car and leave that place faster than ever!

But I stayed.

I want to fight for my son. He deserves someone who fights for him. He deserve to be given the chance to change. To understand his own lacks.

He is a good child. A caring and lovable child.

So I am rolling up my sleeves and I am getting ready for the biggest fight of my life!

Accepting his wrong doing, helping him to change and still never stop loving him!

 

 

 

Change 👌🏻

The other day I was going through my profile pictures on Facebook, because I realized I still had pictures of my ex there!!! As I was deleting them I realized that my life was looking back at me through my selfies! And I was fascinated about what I saw. How much I have changed, and how strange I look in some pictures.

So I decided to share some here, and also share the life I lived at the moment of the picture. Because I believe change is necessary to have a good life. And my pictures show me at good times, but also during really really trying and hard times.

 

This is me in the fall of 2007. In this moment I was a mother of one and I had no self esteem at all! I felt fat, alone and like a failure. The only thing I felt I managed at this moment was being a mom. And that is not a little thing. Looking back today I see myself in another light. And I wish I could tell this girl that she is enough and that she should be proud of how far she had come at that time. I wish I could hug her and let her know she could find security in herself not a man.

 

This is me around a year later, the fall of 2008. I was in love. I was pregnant with my second child. And I was alone. I had convinced myself that he loved me and that we were ready for a child. In retrospect, I was the only one ready. I don’t regret my child. But I wish I could have told myself that everything would be okay and that I wasn’t expected to fight all alone for something two people needed to fight for.

 

 

This is another year gone by. The late fall of 2009. So tired, but somewhere in there I felt some kind of happiness too. I had my two daughters. And I had fought so hard to get my love back. We were a family again. I believed in us. I believed my love was strong enough for all of us. I believed we could conquer the world with my strength. And I was pregnant again, with a love child. At least that was what it felt like in that moment of time. Weeks later he betrayed this woman, he cheated and lied. Still she took him back. Could I have told this woman to do things differently? Not at all. I was not open for that. I was consumed in what I believed I needed. To be loved, but most of all to love.

 

Winter of 2010. Alone again. This time with three kids. This was the third time he left us during the 3 years we had shared. And every time he left for several months. This time I never believed he would get back to us. But I was open to take him back. My feelings was brushed under layers of layers of need to be loved. This is a year after he cheated on me, and betrayed me. I was still ready to love him, to sacrifice everything for him. All I see is a tired woman. This woman could have listened to me. This woman had accepted another solution than the one that she later chose..

 

Fall 2011. She took her power back, but first she took him back. She realized she didn’t love him anymore. Sleeping with him made her sick and upset. She couldn’t even look at him in the end. So this woman found her strength. She knew she couldn’t get him to leave, he only left when he wanted to. So she tricked him. As soon as he was out of the appartment she turned her back on him. She was done. When this picture was taken he had just moved out. Her eyes are scared, but also relived. I would go back now and let her know she did everything right. For her and the kids.

 

Fall 2012. She had found happiness in her life again. And this time not through a man. But just by living and working and being a mom. She had understood that the greatest way to change her life was to put herself first. To do something that enriches her life and the kids. She was secure all by herself. And she had fought off some demons to let him get back in her life. She felt free of the relationship for the first time. And she had found a purpose in herself, she had now started her teacher studies. She had a very positive outlook on the future.

Fall 2013. This woman is about to take on a job that will drain her. She is already tired, and feeling lonely. But she is trying to hide it and find energy in the people that cheer her on. She believes it is important to make the changes, she thinks she can do it alone. She wants to make a difference. Her choices are made with her heart, not a balanced mind. If I could go back to her I would have told her to take more time to choose. To see the whole picture, and to let her know that she was good enough where she was and that her the job was not the solution to her loneliness….


Winter 2014. A tired woman dealing with depression and eating-disorder. But also a strong woman who had checked into therapy, because she knew it was what she needed. She wanted to heal, she wanted change. And in the middle of all of this she was the best mother she could be. Her anchor in her healing process was being a mom. Without it she would not have had a direction to go.

 

Fall 2015. Finally is the smile in her eyes coming back. Her passion in her life, teaching is now a huge part of her life. She has after a year finally settled down in her hometown, left the city life behind. She is calm on the inside when she needs too, and she is letting her emotions out when she need too. She is seeking balance, not food. She knows that she can create the future she deserve. She is learning to live again.

Fall 2016. This is me now, 9 years later. So much has happened, more than these few words can describe! But finally I feel more comfortable in my own skin. I’m healthier than I have been in years! On the outside and the inside! I have recently lost 17 kilos (37,5 pounds) and I’m ready to loose the next 23 kg too! I’m living a life free of drama. I have cut people out of my life because I needed to. I have my studies, and next year I will be an educated teacher! My kids are thriving and living happy lives. We are still only an unit of four, but it is perfect for us. Right now I am not ready to change that.  I hope I can bring this experience with me and be the strong woman I want to be. But one thing I have accepted is that I know life will change again, but I am determined to bring my smile and fire with me along the way ❤

 

Life-as-it-is-Wednesday!

So getting back to writing feels perfect in my head, but it is way harder to actually get it done! And I feel deeply that I need it, so why is it so hard to just do it?

I guess it is like my studies too, I avoid it as long as I can even though I know I need it. And just like last fall and the fall before that I question my studies. Did I make the right choice? Should I stop this subject and instead take another one?

I am so afraid of failing and not being good enough that I put myself in this corner of fear. I tell myself everyday that I have made the wrong choices all along. And in the end I finally believe my evil voice..

So how can I be trapping out of therapy when I know I still are hurting myself in my head? Well I hope I now have the tools to take care of the healing and to clear my mind when it happens instead of falling into the well known dark hole.

The hole I seem to crawl at every fall.

Why is it like that? Why does the fall that I love so deeply also bring the darkest times in my life?

Well I guess it must have something to do with the heat and light that slowly disappear.  Maybe I’m not a fall person after all? Maybe I’m really a summer girl? Maybe seeing myself as a fall girl has made it okay for me to nurture my need of hiding and being alone?

What if I am a summer girl that loves people and loves the heat?

Well I do love the light and I do love the sun, the beaches and the sand. But I know in my core that I am an introvert. SO the people is okay, but I will never love the public. But having more people in my life is a goal, so maybe I can see myself as a summer girl that loves some attention and some happiness and joy 😉

Life is funny, and when I take my time to sit down like this to reflect I see that I am okay. That I am where I am supposed to be ❤

#ThrowBackThursday

Yoga in Spain in June/July this summer was amazing! The kids even asked me if they could do some poses around the neighborhood we lived 😉

I hope we are able to go back next summer!

And it is fun to see how much my body has changed since then! Its only been 2,5 months, but I see the difference!

I will write more in a separate blog post about what I have done to change my appearance so much over the last 6 months, not only on the outside, but mostly on the inside ❤ Healing happens when you least expect it ❤

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Patient and medications

it’s been almost 4 weeks since I broke my arm, and I still have no movement in it.

it also make me really offline these days too.

I can curl three fingers and almost the fourth and I can move my shoulder.

But my arm is dead and it’s starting to get to me. I know this is a long process, but when there is no progress you feel stressed which leads to depressed!

And if I had not been taking painkillers that makes me sleepy, I think my depression would be full on.

But I’m super sensitive to medications! And I still need a lot of painkillers so I’m mostly asleep during the day when the kids are gone and go early to bed with the kids at night.

This summer is not turning out how I wanted it to be. But there’s a silver lining in everything. And hopefully I will see it one day…

My kids are going away next week to see my mom, apparently she’s doing better now and she is getting the help she needs. But it doesn’t mean I will open up to her in my life, but I have always told the kids they can have a relationship with her if they want to. So hopefully they will have some good days there.

I had to delay my math exam, it was just not possible with all of  these painkillers in my system.

I tried to focus on reading but the words just jumped around and not being able to write on the math exam is just making it impossible to me. My teacher was sweet and totally understood my point, so I will be able to take it later when my arm is healed and my spirit is back on top!

I also had a mini breakdown yesterday. Daycare was having their summer party and I came 30 minutes too late, and didn’t bring any food which I was supposed to do. I hadn’t gotten the note! And since I’m not delivering and picking up my kids these days I was not up-to-date on all the notes they put up at daycare. So I started to cry when I arrived, the kids cried and I just decided to leave the whole thing. My dad picked us up and drove us home. And then we had a mini party at home with pizza, hot dogs, soda, ice cream and candy. Kids was happy afterwards but I am still sad that I messed it up. I’m really looking forward to this arm being healed!!

Life is going slowly and I feel I miss out on a lot, but I’m still here trying to keep a happy face and heart and stay away from the darkness…

Head in the clouds

First off I want to say sorry if I haven’t responded to all my comments, I put a lot of effort into doing so, but this last week has not been the easiest! But I appreciate all your comments and I read them all ❤ My head is just a bit in the clouds.. or even outer space… at the moment, but I am slowly landing.

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I was hoping for a quiet and peaceful day today, since yesterday was a bit rough. I spent 4 hours with my aunt in the hospital. Her leg is healing very well, so she will soon be ready to be moved to the cancer department for more tests. But she is not eating well, so first she needs to get her strength and appetite back. Crossing fingers for her, and are seeing her again on Friday.

After her visit I went to see my therapist. I was hoping for some feedback and my temporary treatment plan. But was sadly disappointed. We hadn’t been through all the question forms, so had to finish one more yesterday. So next Thursday will hopefully be the day. I will have to do more questions to get my final treatment plan though, but that’s fine. I just need some feedback now on how her outlook forward. And I feel anxious about hearing it, even though I rationally think its only going to be a good plan that will suit me well. But some of the questions yesterday got me into a head spin!

And I am still feeling it.

It was about trust and forgiveness. And I need to write a new post about this, coz I really need to went my feelings about it. But I am not ready yet. My head is still spinning..

This morning when I wanted to get the kids to daycare and school my car didn’t start! I had a flat battery. Not sure what happened, but probably a door that wasn’t closed last night. So we had to walk. And Lara’s school is in the opposite direction from the daycare, so we had a 50 minutes walk out in the cold. Lily and Leon was so brave, coz we first had to walk Lara to school, she was too scared to walk alone, since she need to cross a bridge over a river… Luckily it was only around 0 degrees, so we didn’t freeze to death 😛

Later a new friend of mine came and picked me up at daycare. And she helped me to get my battery recharged. Felt really blessed. Coz I have always relaid on my dad when I have been living here, and now he is in Spain. So it was a strange feeling to not be able to call him for help. But the angels was around me and I got some unexpected help instead, help I appreciate deeply!