Change 👌🏻

The other day I was going through my profile pictures on Facebook, because I realized I still had pictures of my ex there!!! As I was deleting them I realized that my life was looking back at me through my selfies! And I was fascinated about what I saw. How much I have changed, and how strange I look in some pictures.

So I decided to share some here, and also share the life I lived at the moment of the picture. Because I believe change is necessary to have a good life. And my pictures show me at good times, but also during really really trying and hard times.

 

This is me in the fall of 2007. In this moment I was a mother of one and I had no self esteem at all! I felt fat, alone and like a failure. The only thing I felt I managed at this moment was being a mom. And that is not a little thing. Looking back today I see myself in another light. And I wish I could tell this girl that she is enough and that she should be proud of how far she had come at that time. I wish I could hug her and let her know she could find security in herself not a man.

 

This is me around a year later, the fall of 2008. I was in love. I was pregnant with my second child. And I was alone. I had convinced myself that he loved me and that we were ready for a child. In retrospect, I was the only one ready. I don’t regret my child. But I wish I could have told myself that everything would be okay and that I wasn’t expected to fight all alone for something two people needed to fight for.

 

 

This is another year gone by. The late fall of 2009. So tired, but somewhere in there I felt some kind of happiness too. I had my two daughters. And I had fought so hard to get my love back. We were a family again. I believed in us. I believed my love was strong enough for all of us. I believed we could conquer the world with my strength. And I was pregnant again, with a love child. At least that was what it felt like in that moment of time. Weeks later he betrayed this woman, he cheated and lied. Still she took him back. Could I have told this woman to do things differently? Not at all. I was not open for that. I was consumed in what I believed I needed. To be loved, but most of all to love.

 

Winter of 2010. Alone again. This time with three kids. This was the third time he left us during the 3 years we had shared. And every time he left for several months. This time I never believed he would get back to us. But I was open to take him back. My feelings was brushed under layers of layers of need to be loved. This is a year after he cheated on me, and betrayed me. I was still ready to love him, to sacrifice everything for him. All I see is a tired woman. This woman could have listened to me. This woman had accepted another solution than the one that she later chose..

 

Fall 2011. She took her power back, but first she took him back. She realized she didn’t love him anymore. Sleeping with him made her sick and upset. She couldn’t even look at him in the end. So this woman found her strength. She knew she couldn’t get him to leave, he only left when he wanted to. So she tricked him. As soon as he was out of the appartment she turned her back on him. She was done. When this picture was taken he had just moved out. Her eyes are scared, but also relived. I would go back now and let her know she did everything right. For her and the kids.

 

Fall 2012. She had found happiness in her life again. And this time not through a man. But just by living and working and being a mom. She had understood that the greatest way to change her life was to put herself first. To do something that enriches her life and the kids. She was secure all by herself. And she had fought off some demons to let him get back in her life. She felt free of the relationship for the first time. And she had found a purpose in herself, she had now started her teacher studies. She had a very positive outlook on the future.

Fall 2013. This woman is about to take on a job that will drain her. She is already tired, and feeling lonely. But she is trying to hide it and find energy in the people that cheer her on. She believes it is important to make the changes, she thinks she can do it alone. She wants to make a difference. Her choices are made with her heart, not a balanced mind. If I could go back to her I would have told her to take more time to choose. To see the whole picture, and to let her know that she was good enough where she was and that her the job was not the solution to her loneliness….


Winter 2014. A tired woman dealing with depression and eating-disorder. But also a strong woman who had checked into therapy, because she knew it was what she needed. She wanted to heal, she wanted change. And in the middle of all of this she was the best mother she could be. Her anchor in her healing process was being a mom. Without it she would not have had a direction to go.

 

Fall 2015. Finally is the smile in her eyes coming back. Her passion in her life, teaching is now a huge part of her life. She has after a year finally settled down in her hometown, left the city life behind. She is calm on the inside when she needs too, and she is letting her emotions out when she need too. She is seeking balance, not food. She knows that she can create the future she deserve. She is learning to live again.

Fall 2016. This is me now, 9 years later. So much has happened, more than these few words can describe! But finally I feel more comfortable in my own skin. I’m healthier than I have been in years! On the outside and the inside! I have recently lost 17 kilos (37,5 pounds) and I’m ready to loose the next 23 kg too! I’m living a life free of drama. I have cut people out of my life because I needed to. I have my studies, and next year I will be an educated teacher! My kids are thriving and living happy lives. We are still only an unit of four, but it is perfect for us. Right now I am not ready to change that.  I hope I can bring this experience with me and be the strong woman I want to be. But one thing I have accepted is that I know life will change again, but I am determined to bring my smile and fire with me along the way ❤

 

Life-as-it-is-Wednesday!

So getting back to writing feels perfect in my head, but it is way harder to actually get it done! And I feel deeply that I need it, so why is it so hard to just do it?

I guess it is like my studies too, I avoid it as long as I can even though I know I need it. And just like last fall and the fall before that I question my studies. Did I make the right choice? Should I stop this subject and instead take another one?

I am so afraid of failing and not being good enough that I put myself in this corner of fear. I tell myself everyday that I have made the wrong choices all along. And in the end I finally believe my evil voice..

So how can I be trapping out of therapy when I know I still are hurting myself in my head? Well I hope I now have the tools to take care of the healing and to clear my mind when it happens instead of falling into the well known dark hole.

The hole I seem to crawl at every fall.

Why is it like that? Why does the fall that I love so deeply also bring the darkest times in my life?

Well I guess it must have something to do with the heat and light that slowly disappear.  Maybe I’m not a fall person after all? Maybe I’m really a summer girl? Maybe seeing myself as a fall girl has made it okay for me to nurture my need of hiding and being alone?

What if I am a summer girl that loves people and loves the heat?

Well I do love the light and I do love the sun, the beaches and the sand. But I know in my core that I am an introvert. SO the people is okay, but I will never love the public. But having more people in my life is a goal, so maybe I can see myself as a summer girl that loves some attention and some happiness and joy 😉

Life is funny, and when I take my time to sit down like this to reflect I see that I am okay. That I am where I am supposed to be ❤

#ThrowBackThursday

Yoga in Spain in June/July this summer was amazing! The kids even asked me if they could do some poses around the neighborhood we lived 😉

I hope we are able to go back next summer!

And it is fun to see how much my body has changed since then! Its only been 2,5 months, but I see the difference!

I will write more in a separate blog post about what I have done to change my appearance so much over the last 6 months, not only on the outside, but mostly on the inside ❤ Healing happens when you least expect it ❤

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Frustration!

So I have this urge to write, but there is so little time! There have been many years since life was as busy as it is right now, and some days I wonder if I really like it like this… Some days I don’t even know what the day is or how to get through everything I have to do!

Image result for burning my candle at both endsAnd in some ways I know if I stay on this track I will hit that horrible dark spot again, the one I have stayed clear from for over 2 years now. It’s not like I feel it coming, but I just know that if I keep burning my candle at both ends it will happen. So how does anyone find the balance between excitement and relaxation? The balance between giving and receiving? The balance to live happily in high speed and slowing down when needed?

I definitely don’t have the answers yet! But I know that I have taken some small steps to change my environment to help me find the balance. This last weekend I changed out my yoga space in my bedroom with an office space. Because honestly, I never did yoga in my bedroom after I created a yoga space in the living room. Image result for easelAnd who needs TWO yoga spots in one house LOL 😉
So now its22.41 pm and I’m not crawled up in bed yet, I am sitting in my office space and writing. And it feels great to have this time by myself. To do what I love! Because before I got this space I went to bed when the kids did around 9 pm and watched movies and just slept. My office space was then in the hallway and I made to much noise for the kids to sleep and I felt uninspired sitting alone in a long dark hallway. Now I have my stuff all around me and I can light candles and incense sticks and just enjoy writing, or even paint if I feel like it 🙂 All I want from Santa now is an easel, that would make my personal space even more fun!!

So hopefully I will be around more, and I am also looking forward to writing more about my inner journey over the last 6 months. It has been a lot of changes, and I feel ready to share some of it soon ❤ And hopefully I will be able to start sharing on the Survivers blog too soon ❤

See you around soon!

 

 

Day 24 of gratitude!

Today I am simply grateful to be living in a time where I can write my thoughts and feelings down and share them with like-minded people who support me and encourage me to live my life authentic and from the heart.

I have always loved writing, and even though it some days feel hard and my brain feels empty, as soon as I touch my keyboard there are words forming from my fingers. My heart speaks. My soul speaks. And I heal.

Thank you for reading my words, and for helping me heal ❤

Weekly guidance 🔮

  This weeks guidance is yet again from Doreen Virtue and Radleigh Valentines Archangel tarot deck.

This deck is just speaking loudly to me these days and my personal cards always give me great guidance too.

Hope you can get some encouragement or hope through this weeks guidance.

Love and blessings to you all ❤

Sunday song 🎶

This song doesn’t fit me at the moment, but the lyrics did some years ago

and her voice is one of my favorites.So even though I don’t have

a broken heart any more I can feel this song deeply and it heals in so many ways.

Hope you enjoy it too!

I Don’t Wanna See You With Her lyrics

It’s a small town
Word gets around
And travels in circles
Through hoops over heard-offs
Everyone is careless
They talk about our mess
They don’t care how it hurts me
Must think it was easy

They say you have a new love
I’m happy for you, love,
I just don’t wanna meet her
Are you gonna keep her?

‘Cause I don’t wanna see you with her
I don’t wanna see her face
Resting in your embrace
Feet standing in my place
I don’t wanna see you’ve moved on
I don’t think that I’m that strong
It hasn’t been that long
Since I was the one in your arm

I don’t like being sober,
That’s when it hits me it’s over
Although it was my choice
I can’t shake your con voice
Saying you’ve found one,
That makes you feel all strong
And helps you through hard times
‘Cause that job was once mine

They say you have a new love
I’m happy for you, love,
I just don’t wanna meet her
Are you gonna keep her?

‘Cause I don’t wanna see you with her,
I don’t wanna see her face
Resting in your embrace
Feet standing in my place
I don’t wanna see you’ve moved on
I don’t think that I’m that strong
It hasn’t been that long
Since I was the one in your arm

I don’t wanna see you with her
I don’t wanna see you with her

‘Cause I don’t wanna see you with her,
I don’t wanna see her face
Resting in your embrace
Feet standing in my place
I don’t wanna see you’ve moved on
I don’t think that I’m that strong
It hasn’t been that long
Since I was the one in your arm

Source: http://www.lyricsontop.com/maria-mena-songs/i-dont-wanna-see-you-with-her-lyrics.html

Day 58 of gratitude ✏️

Today I’m thankful for all of your comments and likes!! It truly touches my heart! I read all of your comments and I try to respond as fast as I can! #thankyou

The Daily Post’s weekly photo challenge

In response to The Daily Post’s weekly photo challenge: “Boundaries.”

This is a bit late, but I took a pic at school this week that made me think about this topic.

Personal boundaries are in my view just walls we put up that maybe someone will break down on day.

How solid are our walls?

Day 28 of gratitude ☕️

Hot cocoa with wiped cream and home baked rolls!! Just the perfect evening snack on a Sunday with rain 👌🏻 also baking rolls for us makes me feel somewhat like a housewife 😉