Change 👌🏻

The other day I was going through my profile pictures on Facebook, because I realized I still had pictures of my ex there!!! As I was deleting them I realized that my life was looking back at me through my selfies! And I was fascinated about what I saw. How much I have changed, and how strange I look in some pictures.

So I decided to share some here, and also share the life I lived at the moment of the picture. Because I believe change is necessary to have a good life. And my pictures show me at good times, but also during really really trying and hard times.

 

This is me in the fall of 2007. In this moment I was a mother of one and I had no self esteem at all! I felt fat, alone and like a failure. The only thing I felt I managed at this moment was being a mom. And that is not a little thing. Looking back today I see myself in another light. And I wish I could tell this girl that she is enough and that she should be proud of how far she had come at that time. I wish I could hug her and let her know she could find security in herself not a man.

 

This is me around a year later, the fall of 2008. I was in love. I was pregnant with my second child. And I was alone. I had convinced myself that he loved me and that we were ready for a child. In retrospect, I was the only one ready. I don’t regret my child. But I wish I could have told myself that everything would be okay and that I wasn’t expected to fight all alone for something two people needed to fight for.

 

 

This is another year gone by. The late fall of 2009. So tired, but somewhere in there I felt some kind of happiness too. I had my two daughters. And I had fought so hard to get my love back. We were a family again. I believed in us. I believed my love was strong enough for all of us. I believed we could conquer the world with my strength. And I was pregnant again, with a love child. At least that was what it felt like in that moment of time. Weeks later he betrayed this woman, he cheated and lied. Still she took him back. Could I have told this woman to do things differently? Not at all. I was not open for that. I was consumed in what I believed I needed. To be loved, but most of all to love.

 

Winter of 2010. Alone again. This time with three kids. This was the third time he left us during the 3 years we had shared. And every time he left for several months. This time I never believed he would get back to us. But I was open to take him back. My feelings was brushed under layers of layers of need to be loved. This is a year after he cheated on me, and betrayed me. I was still ready to love him, to sacrifice everything for him. All I see is a tired woman. This woman could have listened to me. This woman had accepted another solution than the one that she later chose..

 

Fall 2011. She took her power back, but first she took him back. She realized she didn’t love him anymore. Sleeping with him made her sick and upset. She couldn’t even look at him in the end. So this woman found her strength. She knew she couldn’t get him to leave, he only left when he wanted to. So she tricked him. As soon as he was out of the appartment she turned her back on him. She was done. When this picture was taken he had just moved out. Her eyes are scared, but also relived. I would go back now and let her know she did everything right. For her and the kids.

 

Fall 2012. She had found happiness in her life again. And this time not through a man. But just by living and working and being a mom. She had understood that the greatest way to change her life was to put herself first. To do something that enriches her life and the kids. She was secure all by herself. And she had fought off some demons to let him get back in her life. She felt free of the relationship for the first time. And she had found a purpose in herself, she had now started her teacher studies. She had a very positive outlook on the future.

Fall 2013. This woman is about to take on a job that will drain her. She is already tired, and feeling lonely. But she is trying to hide it and find energy in the people that cheer her on. She believes it is important to make the changes, she thinks she can do it alone. She wants to make a difference. Her choices are made with her heart, not a balanced mind. If I could go back to her I would have told her to take more time to choose. To see the whole picture, and to let her know that she was good enough where she was and that her the job was not the solution to her loneliness….


Winter 2014. A tired woman dealing with depression and eating-disorder. But also a strong woman who had checked into therapy, because she knew it was what she needed. She wanted to heal, she wanted change. And in the middle of all of this she was the best mother she could be. Her anchor in her healing process was being a mom. Without it she would not have had a direction to go.

 

Fall 2015. Finally is the smile in her eyes coming back. Her passion in her life, teaching is now a huge part of her life. She has after a year finally settled down in her hometown, left the city life behind. She is calm on the inside when she needs too, and she is letting her emotions out when she need too. She is seeking balance, not food. She knows that she can create the future she deserve. She is learning to live again.

Fall 2016. This is me now, 9 years later. So much has happened, more than these few words can describe! But finally I feel more comfortable in my own skin. I’m healthier than I have been in years! On the outside and the inside! I have recently lost 17 kilos (37,5 pounds) and I’m ready to loose the next 23 kg too! I’m living a life free of drama. I have cut people out of my life because I needed to. I have my studies, and next year I will be an educated teacher! My kids are thriving and living happy lives. We are still only an unit of four, but it is perfect for us. Right now I am not ready to change that.  I hope I can bring this experience with me and be the strong woman I want to be. But one thing I have accepted is that I know life will change again, but I am determined to bring my smile and fire with me along the way ❤

 

Life-as-it-is-Wednesday!

So getting back to writing feels perfect in my head, but it is way harder to actually get it done! And I feel deeply that I need it, so why is it so hard to just do it?

I guess it is like my studies too, I avoid it as long as I can even though I know I need it. And just like last fall and the fall before that I question my studies. Did I make the right choice? Should I stop this subject and instead take another one?

I am so afraid of failing and not being good enough that I put myself in this corner of fear. I tell myself everyday that I have made the wrong choices all along. And in the end I finally believe my evil voice..

So how can I be trapping out of therapy when I know I still are hurting myself in my head? Well I hope I now have the tools to take care of the healing and to clear my mind when it happens instead of falling into the well known dark hole.

The hole I seem to crawl at every fall.

Why is it like that? Why does the fall that I love so deeply also bring the darkest times in my life?

Well I guess it must have something to do with the heat and light that slowly disappear.  Maybe I’m not a fall person after all? Maybe I’m really a summer girl? Maybe seeing myself as a fall girl has made it okay for me to nurture my need of hiding and being alone?

What if I am a summer girl that loves people and loves the heat?

Well I do love the light and I do love the sun, the beaches and the sand. But I know in my core that I am an introvert. SO the people is okay, but I will never love the public. But having more people in my life is a goal, so maybe I can see myself as a summer girl that loves some attention and some happiness and joy 😉

Life is funny, and when I take my time to sit down like this to reflect I see that I am okay. That I am where I am supposed to be ❤

#ThrowBackThursday

Yoga in Spain in June/July this summer was amazing! The kids even asked me if they could do some poses around the neighborhood we lived 😉

I hope we are able to go back next summer!

And it is fun to see how much my body has changed since then! Its only been 2,5 months, but I see the difference!

I will write more in a separate blog post about what I have done to change my appearance so much over the last 6 months, not only on the outside, but mostly on the inside ❤ Healing happens when you least expect it ❤

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Frustration!

So I have this urge to write, but there is so little time! There have been many years since life was as busy as it is right now, and some days I wonder if I really like it like this… Some days I don’t even know what the day is or how to get through everything I have to do!

Image result for burning my candle at both endsAnd in some ways I know if I stay on this track I will hit that horrible dark spot again, the one I have stayed clear from for over 2 years now. It’s not like I feel it coming, but I just know that if I keep burning my candle at both ends it will happen. So how does anyone find the balance between excitement and relaxation? The balance between giving and receiving? The balance to live happily in high speed and slowing down when needed?

I definitely don’t have the answers yet! But I know that I have taken some small steps to change my environment to help me find the balance. This last weekend I changed out my yoga space in my bedroom with an office space. Because honestly, I never did yoga in my bedroom after I created a yoga space in the living room. Image result for easelAnd who needs TWO yoga spots in one house LOL 😉
So now its22.41 pm and I’m not crawled up in bed yet, I am sitting in my office space and writing. And it feels great to have this time by myself. To do what I love! Because before I got this space I went to bed when the kids did around 9 pm and watched movies and just slept. My office space was then in the hallway and I made to much noise for the kids to sleep and I felt uninspired sitting alone in a long dark hallway. Now I have my stuff all around me and I can light candles and incense sticks and just enjoy writing, or even paint if I feel like it 🙂 All I want from Santa now is an easel, that would make my personal space even more fun!!

So hopefully I will be around more, and I am also looking forward to writing more about my inner journey over the last 6 months. It has been a lot of changes, and I feel ready to share some of it soon ❤ And hopefully I will be able to start sharing on the Survivers blog too soon ❤

See you around soon!

 

 

Day 68 of gratitude 🎂

  
Homemade gifts, drawings, hugs, songs and comments on Facebook is a perfect way for me to celebrate my 39th birthday ❤️🎈☺️ looking forward to another year of growth and change 👌🏻 life feels pretty good today, I even had sunshine and blue skies, hopefully a sign for good health and happiness over the next twelve months, fingers crossed 🎂🎈🎁

Friendship material 🤔

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So after pondering a lot about the conversation that happened on Thursday I feel ready to share and maybe even processes the thing even better.

The start of the whole conversation was my stupid fault, I had a thought rant that just ended up being expressed to the wrong person. At least that is how I see it now.

The thought rant was about a spiritual message I had read somewhere on FB, and it was something like this:

“if you want a boyfriend in your life you need to create space for him”

So I said this to the person I was with:

“I have read this spiritual message somewhere and it made me realize that I need to open myself up to love if I ever want a boyfriend: BUT I’m really not ready to share my home with anyone at the moment other than the kids. I don’t really like to have people over either, how can I have room for a boyfriend?” then I laughed.

She didn’t.

She just looked at me, so I got uncomfortable, and I kind of stated: ” I might be a bit strange…”

Then she said: “You are very strange and it is not normal to not have people over.”

 

At this moment I was deep into “fight or flight” mode. This is actually something we work with in therapy, so it was a huge learning moment for me too. I didn’t recognize it as that in the moment, but I see it now.

The conversation about me not being to keen on visitors continued into friendships. And this is a part of that conversation:

 “Well I have my dad over and I see him as my dad, supporter and friend. So I am not all alone here. And I have some mums in my kids daycare or class that I really like and hope to create closer bonds with. But it is not easy moving back to a place where everyone never left. I’m not a person that claims people”

Her respond: “your dad is your family, not your friend. He has to be around”.

Luckily I know he doesn’t feel like that, even though she does.

And finally I had to defend myself some more, or try to not sound like a crazy person:

” I have my friend over the last 9 years in Oslo, she will always be there for me”

Her respond:

“it doesn’t count as a friendship when she is living so far away!”

And she said somewhere in the conversation also about me being to old (I’m 39 next month) to create new, significant friendships and how different she was when she had young kids because she always had time for friends.

WELL, I  am a single mum with three kids, a student and I work. I really don’t have time! She was a stay at home mum, with her mother in law helping her with her kids!

Not that I care anymore about what she did compared to what I do.

I am proud of my life and what I am accomplishing.

In the end I was lucky enough to have a meeting with my therapist I had to leave for, BUT her word there and then became my reality. And in the car for my 45 minute long drive I added the words to my reality and decided it was time to move away from my hometown. I made a plan. I had it all sorted out when I parked my car. On the way up the stairs to my therapists office I realized I couldn’t move the kids again. I had not added their feelings and love for this place in my plan.

So when my therapist asked me how I felt, I broke down in tears. I couldn’t say anything for 5 whole minutes. And that is a long time crying.

But what happened then, and what happens usually during these situations when I have someone to talk too about negative thoughts regarding myself, is that I can reason. I manage to reason with myself, my feelings and my flight plan.

One year ago I would have fled. With no looking back.

Now I manage to reason. And this is what I finally figured out, this is my truth:

First off all I am N O T to old to create new friends. And I will never be to old.
Secondly I H A V E great friends. And even though my closest friend lives 3 hours away I know she will always be there. And it doesn’t matter that we don’t talk or see each other everyday, the friendship is strong and when the kids have left the nest we will have that time again.

Thirdly I have great friends online and in other countries, friends I have met traveling or friends that I have met through my blog or spiritual practice. These are my friends, and I will never stop thinking about these people as friends. No person in this world can take that away from me, or redefine those friendships.

And lastly I have friends I study with, friends I work with and friends here I live. These friends are growing friendships.

Being an introvert makes it harder for me to just jump into friendships or declare that someone is my friend. But I know that when people ask for my help or advice, and I freely can ask for their advice or help we are friends.

So I might not visit people much, I don’t have visits over much. But it doesn’t make me a strange person with no friends. It makes me just a person who needs her privacy and quiet time. There are kids here all the time in addition to my own kids, I love that and right now that is all the visits I need ❤

In the end I am friend material, and I  might even one day consider myself girl friend material too 😉 But right now I am happy with myself and my friends. My life doesn’t lack anything, I am grateful for all the people in my life ❤

 

Day 2 of gratitude ~ 2016 👭 


Today I have spent my day with Leon. My girls have been out and both got asked to sleep over at their friends house ❤️ so tonight I’m chillaxing in a really quiet house with my little man 👍🏻

#everydaygratitude2016

Day 96 of gratitude 🍪🍴

Today I’m grateful for my kitchen 👍🏻 today I made an awesome meal in my crockpot, Lara and a friend made pancakes and tonight all of us made gingerbread cookies 🎄🎅🏼🍪 this day started pretty dark, but is ending with a smile on my face 😃❤️👌🏻 

  

Weekend Coffee Share ⛄️☕️

weekendcoffeeshareIf we were having coffee today I would tell you that I am looking forward to Christmas! And that it is a really strange feeling! Because only 5-6 years ago I Didn’t really like Christmas. I actually preferred to not celebrate Christmas. But I had to since I had kids. But last year something changed.

I’m not sure what changed. But I had a really great time last year. And now it’s November and I’m already getting excited about decorating, baking and celebrating!
And honestly I’m not gonna bake that much or have a lot of people over, but there’s something about the waiting and the expectation and the decorations it just gives me a happy feeling.

And really I should dread December since I have two final exams then, but I’m not worried. I’m going to make it, just know I will.
If we were having coffee today we would most likely have it outside in a coffee shop with comfy chairs since I am needing some time out of the house lol The house is a mess and there’s laundry everywhere, so I would just be happy to have an hour outside this house right now. Maybe even two hours😉
I would also tell you that I feel so comfortable in my teacher training right now. And I can’t really remember why I was so nervous last year! But I guess being a substitute teacher also has help me to feel more confident. Last week the principal even observe me teaching and it went really fine! And she gave me great feedback afterwards! A year ago I would have died inside, but this year I just decided to be me and trust that I’m good enough!
If we were having coffee I would also tell you that I’m not really doing great with my diet or lifestyle changes… I eat every third hour, I even have an alarm on. But I just feel like I’m eating and eating and eating and eating! And I’m starting to lose faith in this process…. But I have promised myself to give these two full months a really honest go, so there is no option to stop eating right now. The only thing I need to focus more on is my sweet tooth.


I know that you would support me and that you believe I can do this. So I’m not giving up, but I will tell you it’s hard right now. On the other side I’m back on my yoga mat and it feels great. There’s not much I can do since I can’t use my right arm. But I’m trying and just doing what I can feels really good.

I would also tell you that I know I need to move more. And I’m thinking about starting to go for walks every now and then. But I’m so scared of the dark that I haven’t been able to try yet. I know it might sound as an excuse, because I really hate walking also!

But on the other side I’m not loving my shape physically, so maybe I just need to push myself and just walk. Because how bad can it really be? And who would take their time to attack me in the middle of the night all out on the countryside? Not that I really need to go out in the middle of the night, but it’s so freaking dark early now that it feels like the middle of the night at 6 pm 🙈

If we were having coffee today I would ask you how you were doing? I would ask you if you’re excited about Christmas?