Staying in the light!

It is November! And I am not down in the darkness!! It has been a yearly happening over the last 5-6 years, “October-darkness”. October has usually kicked my butt pretty hard.

And this year started no different, the first two weeks of October had me crawling. I was so close to just give up. To give in. To not care.

But some where along those two weeks I felt the need to just not give a f**k! I decided that shit is bad, and shit will be bad for a while. So lets just make the best out of it! And by shit it is mostly finances and my baby boys issues at school. Β But also self love. Self acceptance. Self worth. The usual shit.

And as I let it go things changed.

All of the sudden I was blessed with financial stability for the rest of the school year, I could finally just focus on my studies and kids. And as I let go of the need of fixing my baby boys issues, I just focused on him and encouraged him to make good choices EVERY day, something changed for him too! TWO huge stress factors were gone.

And in all of this I just decided that I have lost 17+- kilos and I am proud of it! My body is not perfect, and my weight is not at my goal-weight! But I am not giving up my good eating habits just because I don’t have time to exercise like I did earlier this year.

In April I decided to go plant-based, that means no meat, no diary and no oil. But it was hard!! So right now I am an vegetarian. No meat, no oil, but a tiny bit of diary. It is hard to get of the diary. I love cheese and sour cream to much! But I am scaling it down. And my goal for 2017 is to be able to live a plant base lifestyle πŸ™‚

So over the last two weeks I have given my self some elbowroom to not get sad about the exercise part, and just because of that I started November with a smile!!

It doesn’t mean that my life is full of unicorns and rainbows lol there is still those dark moments and thoughts. But I am not letting them rule my life right now! I am working hard on having control over my thoughts. And I truly believe it will bring me all the healing I need when needed. And next month is my last session at my therapist, so I feel more confident now that I see that I can bring myself out of the mess in a much healthier way than before ❀

Frustration!

So I have this urge to write, but there is so little time! There have been many years since life was as busy as it is right now, and some days I wonder if I really like it like this… Some days I don’t even know what the day is or how to get through everything I have to do!

Image result for burning my candle at both endsAnd in some ways I know if I stay on this track I will hit that horrible dark spot again, the one I have stayed clear from for over 2 years now. It’s not like I feel it coming, but I just know that if I keep burning my candle at both ends it will happen. So how does anyone find the balance between excitement and relaxation? The balance between giving and receiving? The balance to live happily in high speed and slowing down when needed?

I definitely don’t have the answers yet! But I know that I have taken some small steps to change my environment to help me find the balance. This last weekend I changed out my yoga space in my bedroom with an office space. Because honestly, I never did yoga in my bedroom after I created a yoga space in the living room. Image result for easelAnd who needs TWO yoga spots in one house LOL πŸ˜‰
So now its22.41 pm and I’m not crawled up in bed yet, I am sitting in my office space and writing. And it feels great to have this time by myself. To do what I love! Because before I got this space I went to bed when the kids did around 9 pm and watched movies and just slept. My office space was then in the hallway and I made to much noise for the kids to sleep and I felt uninspired sitting alone in a long dark hallway. Now I have my stuff all around me and I can light candles and incense sticks and just enjoy writing, or even paint if I feel like it πŸ™‚ All I want from Santa now is an easel, that would make my personal space even more fun!!

So hopefully I will be around more, and I am also looking forward to writing more about my inner journey over the last 6 months. It has been a lot of changes, and I feel ready to share some of it soon ❀ And hopefully I will be able to start sharing on the Survivers blog too soon ❀

See you around soon!

 

 

The weekend πŸ‘ŒπŸ»

My plan was to get on track with some arts and crafts project I’m delivering next weekend for my class. But unfortunately I caught a cold the other day, so I’m knocked out and in bed. It’s been so long since I have felt this sick, so in some ways I think my body just told me it needed a break after some busy months. 

It’s funny how you can ignore those signs for so long because you are having fun! Luckily we had nothing planned today, and the sun is shining, so the kids are out playing while I’m bing watching on Netflix πŸ‘πŸ»πŸ€’

Tomorrow I will have to spend some time painting my projects before we are invited on a soccer match. First time for the kids, only the two youngest are going since the oldest couldn’t care less about soccer πŸ˜‰ but I used to go to a lot of these matches before I had kids, so I’m looking forward to go again with the kids πŸ‘πŸ» 

My Lily is already having so much fun with soccer, next year Leon is joining a team too πŸ‘πŸ»


The rest of today will be well spent in bed though, and the kids are joining me later for a movie and popcorn πŸ‘πŸ»β€οΈ

Day 63 of gratitude β˜ΊοΈ

Keeping it very simple tonight. Had a long day with group therapy and individual therapy. On top I wrote over 3000 theory words on my bachelor assignment πŸ‘πŸ»πŸ˜ƒ so good to have finally gotten words out of my mind and down on paper! In addition planned English classes for tomorrow and next week! Also helped Leon get through a mini breakdown. So keeping it simple and just feeling grateful for life and how it moves forward when I at least expect it too πŸ™πŸ» 

  
 

Day 61 of gratitude πŸŒΈ

Today I’m grateful for a new month!! It’s spring month!!!!!! So excited even though the weather predictions is snow πŸ˜œπŸ™ˆ I don’t care this is spring, and my birthday month 🎈 

And we walked to daycare this morning at 6.45 am (!), but now we have the car πŸ™ŒπŸ» but as soon as I have a day off we will walk again because it was a really nice way to start the day πŸ‘ŒπŸ»

#everydaygratitude2016 

  

Weekly guidance πŸ“Ώ

  
This week two cards jumped out when I asked for guidance for all of us πŸ™πŸ»

And the message I get with these two cards is that it is safe this week to feel powerful and proud. You should not hide in the shadows, you should follow your inner light and grab every opportunity you get because it will lead you to victory. Trust in your own worth, your own skills, trust that there are an energy out there protecting you and guiding you to achieve the best in life. Also remember that the best is not always gold and glitter, sometimes what is best for us hide in plain sight πŸ’• feel brave enough to see it and feel the empowerment it gives you. Be in the here and now, feel victorious about being here. Sometimes all we need is to breathe and let go of the future and trust that it is safe and joyfully awaiting you. Crawing for a better tomorrow takes away the joy of today πŸ™πŸ»πŸ˜˜

This week I used Direen Virtue’s deck “Archangel Oracle cards”. 

Day 59 of gratitude πŸ“

Some days the teacher professionΒ feels like a dream far far away! But since Thursday when I finished my latest assignment things have felt more real, I dare to dream about finish this education next spring.

And yesterday and today I have planned my English classes for the next five weeks. I have a lot more to do, but I have the rough plan, and this upcoming week sorted out. And now I am super excited about the response from the kids, fingers crossed that it will be okay!

 

Weekend Coffee Share β˜•οΈ

img_0187-1If we were having coffee today it would have been out on my new porch in the beautiful sunshine with blankets and cozy pillows! It is not spring here yet, but the sunshine is amazing, and the crisp air is healing.

Today I took the kids out for a small stroll in the neighborhood. We should have done that a long time ago! It was amazing! And there was plenty of places for the kids to play, climb and run.
IBut the best part was us being outside together, chatting, playing, laughing and walking. We haven’t been so relaxed in a very long time. And when we got back home the kids wanted to stay outside and play! They stayed outside and played for three more hours and then we all had family tacos before shower and bedtime stories. A perfect end to a really really good family spring break. Tomorrow we are going back to the everyday life. I haven’t really missed it this time, I usually do….

If we were having coffee today I would tell you that this week with the kids have been so good, but this week emotionally has been so rough. I keep getting into these conversations where I have to address the though stuff. Where I need to feel it all. And process it. And finally do something about it. You know that’s not my way. Or at least it wasn’t my way a year ago. These days I am changing, have you noticed? I hadn’t. Until the conversation about friendships this week. Today when I tell you about this I see so clearly how much I have changed. And it applies to so many different parts of my life. Tomorrow I am going back into teacher training, and I am not nervous. I am actually excited and eager to get back there. And this is me 6th teacher practice, but the first I am not stressed about!

img_0488If we were having coffee today I would tell you that my yoga practice are slowly waking up. My arm is still not doing all I want it too, and I am not nearly as flexible as I was. But I am doing it. I am on my mat almost every day. Progress. And I share it again on Instagram, it motivates me to work on my poses. It motivates me to accept my body. The body movement on Instagram about every body being a yoga body is really pushing me.
Even though the skinny, beautiful girls are dominating my Instagram feed, I am slowly finding real people. People with a body in whatever size doing awesome yoga and being a real inspiration. I also follow a few on Snapchat and they are just so real!

img_0496I’m even considering to attend yoga class in my town again, but I want my practice at home to be more steady and my arm to be stronger. But a teacher at work is going there, and she encouraged me to attend, so I will do it sometime later this year.

If we were having coffee today I would tell you my eating disorder thoughts are crawling in my mind these days. Β I am staying as faithful as I can to eating 4-5 times a day. And I now feel fullness and hunger. But when I feel fullness I can’t stop myself if there is more food available. And I don’t like that. I know I need to downsize my portions, because I feel full before my plate is empty. But I don’t know how. I have been doing this size for so long that it just feels impossible. But I am eating only two slices of bread when I have bread instead of my previous four slices, so I know I can. But with dinner it just feels hard. Really hard. So now my thoughts about gaining weight instead of loosing because I can’t manage to downsize my portions have made me think about dropping food and just starve myself a bit. But, I haven’t gotten there, because I know it is wrong. But my mind is having a crazy battle these days. And I am not happy about the body I am currently living in, but now I am wondering if it will be ever possible for me to change my ways. I can’t exercise right now because I know I would push it to hard, push myself and end up not eating. What a catch 22!
If we were having coffee today I would tell you that 2016 has not turned out as I expected it to be so far, it has been two really rough months. In addition time is flying. Next month is my birthday month. I am turning 39. I am not stressed about it, I don’t identify with the number. But I guess that in some ways I am my number too, because today when I watched Yogagirl’s Snapchat from the Envision Festival in Costa Rica I realized that a festival like that is not for me anymore. I would rather take a trip to a quiet place on a beach for a yoga retreat, where I could have a hotel room or bungalow with fresh sheets and towels LOL But I do love to dance, so maybe when I get into the body my soul and mind can connect too I might feel differently πŸ˜‰ But right now I love my quiet life with teacups, books, candle lights and my internet connection, but I love the memories of sand between my toes, moonlight in my hair, drum and bass rhythms in my soul and love in my heart on a beach in Thailand ❀

I love having coffee with you, it wraps up the week so nicely and sometimes good memories appear too, so many blessings! How has your week been? Did you have a more peaceful week? Or did you feel like crawling under a rock every now and then like me?

Until next time, stay safe and always remember to love yourself ❀

weekendcoffeeshare