Staying in the light!

It is November! And I am not down in the darkness!! It has been a yearly happening over the last 5-6 years, “October-darkness”. October has usually kicked my butt pretty hard.

And this year started no different, the first two weeks of October had me crawling. I was so close to just give up. To give in. To not care.

But some where along those two weeks I felt the need to just not give a f**k! I decided that shit is bad, and shit will be bad for a while. So lets just make the best out of it! And by shit it is mostly finances and my baby boys issues at school.  But also self love. Self acceptance. Self worth. The usual shit.

And as I let it go things changed.

All of the sudden I was blessed with financial stability for the rest of the school year, I could finally just focus on my studies and kids. And as I let go of the need of fixing my baby boys issues, I just focused on him and encouraged him to make good choices EVERY day, something changed for him too! TWO huge stress factors were gone.

And in all of this I just decided that I have lost 17+- kilos and I am proud of it! My body is not perfect, and my weight is not at my goal-weight! But I am not giving up my good eating habits just because I don’t have time to exercise like I did earlier this year.

In April I decided to go plant-based, that means no meat, no diary and no oil. But it was hard!! So right now I am an vegetarian. No meat, no oil, but a tiny bit of diary. It is hard to get of the diary. I love cheese and sour cream to much! But I am scaling it down. And my goal for 2017 is to be able to live a plant base lifestyle 🙂

So over the last two weeks I have given my self some elbowroom to not get sad about the exercise part, and just because of that I started November with a smile!!

It doesn’t mean that my life is full of unicorns and rainbows lol there is still those dark moments and thoughts. But I am not letting them rule my life right now! I am working hard on having control over my thoughts. And I truly believe it will bring me all the healing I need when needed. And next month is my last session at my therapist, so I feel more confident now that I see that I can bring myself out of the mess in a much healthier way than before ❤

Friendship material 🤔

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So after pondering a lot about the conversation that happened on Thursday I feel ready to share and maybe even processes the thing even better.

The start of the whole conversation was my stupid fault, I had a thought rant that just ended up being expressed to the wrong person. At least that is how I see it now.

The thought rant was about a spiritual message I had read somewhere on FB, and it was something like this:

“if you want a boyfriend in your life you need to create space for him”

So I said this to the person I was with:

“I have read this spiritual message somewhere and it made me realize that I need to open myself up to love if I ever want a boyfriend: BUT I’m really not ready to share my home with anyone at the moment other than the kids. I don’t really like to have people over either, how can I have room for a boyfriend?” then I laughed.

She didn’t.

She just looked at me, so I got uncomfortable, and I kind of stated: ” I might be a bit strange…”

Then she said: “You are very strange and it is not normal to not have people over.”

 

At this moment I was deep into “fight or flight” mode. This is actually something we work with in therapy, so it was a huge learning moment for me too. I didn’t recognize it as that in the moment, but I see it now.

The conversation about me not being to keen on visitors continued into friendships. And this is a part of that conversation:

 “Well I have my dad over and I see him as my dad, supporter and friend. So I am not all alone here. And I have some mums in my kids daycare or class that I really like and hope to create closer bonds with. But it is not easy moving back to a place where everyone never left. I’m not a person that claims people”

Her respond: “your dad is your family, not your friend. He has to be around”.

Luckily I know he doesn’t feel like that, even though she does.

And finally I had to defend myself some more, or try to not sound like a crazy person:

” I have my friend over the last 9 years in Oslo, she will always be there for me”

Her respond:

“it doesn’t count as a friendship when she is living so far away!”

And she said somewhere in the conversation also about me being to old (I’m 39 next month) to create new, significant friendships and how different she was when she had young kids because she always had time for friends.

WELL, I  am a single mum with three kids, a student and I work. I really don’t have time! She was a stay at home mum, with her mother in law helping her with her kids!

Not that I care anymore about what she did compared to what I do.

I am proud of my life and what I am accomplishing.

In the end I was lucky enough to have a meeting with my therapist I had to leave for, BUT her word there and then became my reality. And in the car for my 45 minute long drive I added the words to my reality and decided it was time to move away from my hometown. I made a plan. I had it all sorted out when I parked my car. On the way up the stairs to my therapists office I realized I couldn’t move the kids again. I had not added their feelings and love for this place in my plan.

So when my therapist asked me how I felt, I broke down in tears. I couldn’t say anything for 5 whole minutes. And that is a long time crying.

But what happened then, and what happens usually during these situations when I have someone to talk too about negative thoughts regarding myself, is that I can reason. I manage to reason with myself, my feelings and my flight plan.

One year ago I would have fled. With no looking back.

Now I manage to reason. And this is what I finally figured out, this is my truth:

First off all I am N O T to old to create new friends. And I will never be to old.
Secondly I H A V E great friends. And even though my closest friend lives 3 hours away I know she will always be there. And it doesn’t matter that we don’t talk or see each other everyday, the friendship is strong and when the kids have left the nest we will have that time again.

Thirdly I have great friends online and in other countries, friends I have met traveling or friends that I have met through my blog or spiritual practice. These are my friends, and I will never stop thinking about these people as friends. No person in this world can take that away from me, or redefine those friendships.

And lastly I have friends I study with, friends I work with and friends here I live. These friends are growing friendships.

Being an introvert makes it harder for me to just jump into friendships or declare that someone is my friend. But I know that when people ask for my help or advice, and I freely can ask for their advice or help we are friends.

So I might not visit people much, I don’t have visits over much. But it doesn’t make me a strange person with no friends. It makes me just a person who needs her privacy and quiet time. There are kids here all the time in addition to my own kids, I love that and right now that is all the visits I need ❤

In the end I am friend material, and I  might even one day consider myself girl friend material too 😉 But right now I am happy with myself and my friends. My life doesn’t lack anything, I am grateful for all the people in my life ❤

 

Day 56 of gratitude!

My plan was to ramble about my hopeless “am I a friend-material” situation. But instead I spent all my energy on my school assignment! SO now I am just happy that I am done four days before the deadline! So I delivered it before I started to rewrite and stress about it, and tomorrow I start on my English class planning for next week. FIVE weeks of English, so much fun.. hopefully 😛

B U T I am not done with the “friend-material” thoughts, so I will get back to it tomorrow 😉

Had a good chat with my therapist about it, so I definitely have changed my perspective, but I still have many  words to say about it 😛

Day 54 of gratitude 💕

#motherhood

Today we had a good day, despite Leon’s mini breakdown over having a day off daycare 😛 He now knows that Tuesdays are days he can bring his own toys to daycare, so that I had planned it so terrible to give him a day off was hard to forgive! But when he then realized it was only 6 days until the next Tuesday his mood changed!

We took a trip to the library because Lara’s less iPad time has inspired her to be a book worm (just like her mom 😉 ) Two books in 6 days is a new record! And she know how much I love books and she was so proud when she borrowed two new books today and told me she will try to read them before her spring break is over! Reading books has always been a goldmine for my mind, and I am happy she has taken on my love for books ❤

Lily had her second day at handball school and spent the afternoon with her best friend planning their joined birthday party next month.

I also managed to get started on two of my assignments today, hopefully they will be done by Friday so I can spend my weekend reading for my bachelor assignment. Yesterday I was not motivated, but today when I was doing research I figured out a plan that will help me when I am writing my bachelor assignment too! Win-win situation, I love that!

The final thing I am happy for today is the sun!! Today we all rocked sneakers, lighter jackets and sunglasses out in the bright sun, I can truly feel spring coming!!! And I am getting excited about planning some garden stuff this summer! But first I have my bachelor assignment due in May, my 5 exams in May/June, and teacher training next week for 5 weeks and lastly our Spain vacation in June/July on the agenda 😉

At the end of July I can focus on my garden, but it is important to have goals and dreams right?

Sunday SONG!

Almost forgot this one, but as I am laying down in bed I just needed some comfort music, so here is some for you too! Have a great night sleep whenever that happen ❤

“Teardrop”

[Liz Fraser:]

Love, love is a verb
Love is a doing word
Fearless on my breath
Gentle impulsion
Shakes me, makes me lighter
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

Night, night after day
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my…

Water is my eye
Most faithful mirror
Fearless on my breath
Teardrop on the fire
Of a confession
Fearless on my breath
Most faithful mirror
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

You stumble in the dark
You stumble in the dark

Source: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/massiveattack/teardrop.html