Staying in the light!

It is November! And I am not down in the darkness!! It has been a yearly happening over the last 5-6 years, “October-darkness”. October has usually kicked my butt pretty hard.

And this year started no different, the first two weeks of October had me crawling. I was so close to just give up. To give in. To not care.

But some where along those two weeks I felt the need to just not give a f**k! I decided that shit is bad, and shit will be bad for a while. So lets just make the best out of it! And by shit it is mostly finances and my baby boys issues at school.  But also self love. Self acceptance. Self worth. The usual shit.

And as I let it go things changed.

All of the sudden I was blessed with financial stability for the rest of the school year, I could finally just focus on my studies and kids. And as I let go of the need of fixing my baby boys issues, I just focused on him and encouraged him to make good choices EVERY day, something changed for him too! TWO huge stress factors were gone.

And in all of this I just decided that I have lost 17+- kilos and I am proud of it! My body is not perfect, and my weight is not at my goal-weight! But I am not giving up my good eating habits just because I don’t have time to exercise like I did earlier this year.

In April I decided to go plant-based, that means no meat, no diary and no oil. But it was hard!! So right now I am an vegetarian. No meat, no oil, but a tiny bit of diary. It is hard to get of the diary. I love cheese and sour cream to much! But I am scaling it down. And my goal for 2017 is to be able to live a plant base lifestyle 🙂

So over the last two weeks I have given my self some elbowroom to not get sad about the exercise part, and just because of that I started November with a smile!!

It doesn’t mean that my life is full of unicorns and rainbows lol there is still those dark moments and thoughts. But I am not letting them rule my life right now! I am working hard on having control over my thoughts. And I truly believe it will bring me all the healing I need when needed. And next month is my last session at my therapist, so I feel more confident now that I see that I can bring myself out of the mess in a much healthier way than before ❤

Weekend Coffee Share ☕️

img_0187-1If we were having coffee today it would have been out on my new porch in the beautiful sunshine with blankets and cozy pillows! It is not spring here yet, but the sunshine is amazing, and the crisp air is healing.

Today I took the kids out for a small stroll in the neighborhood. We should have done that a long time ago! It was amazing! And there was plenty of places for the kids to play, climb and run.
IBut the best part was us being outside together, chatting, playing, laughing and walking. We haven’t been so relaxed in a very long time. And when we got back home the kids wanted to stay outside and play! They stayed outside and played for three more hours and then we all had family tacos before shower and bedtime stories. A perfect end to a really really good family spring break. Tomorrow we are going back to the everyday life. I haven’t really missed it this time, I usually do….

If we were having coffee today I would tell you that this week with the kids have been so good, but this week emotionally has been so rough. I keep getting into these conversations where I have to address the though stuff. Where I need to feel it all. And process it. And finally do something about it. You know that’s not my way. Or at least it wasn’t my way a year ago. These days I am changing, have you noticed? I hadn’t. Until the conversation about friendships this week. Today when I tell you about this I see so clearly how much I have changed. And it applies to so many different parts of my life. Tomorrow I am going back into teacher training, and I am not nervous. I am actually excited and eager to get back there. And this is me 6th teacher practice, but the first I am not stressed about!

img_0488If we were having coffee today I would tell you that my yoga practice are slowly waking up. My arm is still not doing all I want it too, and I am not nearly as flexible as I was. But I am doing it. I am on my mat almost every day. Progress. And I share it again on Instagram, it motivates me to work on my poses. It motivates me to accept my body. The body movement on Instagram about every body being a yoga body is really pushing me.
Even though the skinny, beautiful girls are dominating my Instagram feed, I am slowly finding real people. People with a body in whatever size doing awesome yoga and being a real inspiration. I also follow a few on Snapchat and they are just so real!

img_0496I’m even considering to attend yoga class in my town again, but I want my practice at home to be more steady and my arm to be stronger. But a teacher at work is going there, and she encouraged me to attend, so I will do it sometime later this year.

If we were having coffee today I would tell you my eating disorder thoughts are crawling in my mind these days.  I am staying as faithful as I can to eating 4-5 times a day. And I now feel fullness and hunger. But when I feel fullness I can’t stop myself if there is more food available. And I don’t like that. I know I need to downsize my portions, because I feel full before my plate is empty. But I don’t know how. I have been doing this size for so long that it just feels impossible. But I am eating only two slices of bread when I have bread instead of my previous four slices, so I know I can. But with dinner it just feels hard. Really hard. So now my thoughts about gaining weight instead of loosing because I can’t manage to downsize my portions have made me think about dropping food and just starve myself a bit. But, I haven’t gotten there, because I know it is wrong. But my mind is having a crazy battle these days. And I am not happy about the body I am currently living in, but now I am wondering if it will be ever possible for me to change my ways. I can’t exercise right now because I know I would push it to hard, push myself and end up not eating. What a catch 22!
If we were having coffee today I would tell you that 2016 has not turned out as I expected it to be so far, it has been two really rough months. In addition time is flying. Next month is my birthday month. I am turning 39. I am not stressed about it, I don’t identify with the number. But I guess that in some ways I am my number too, because today when I watched Yogagirl’s Snapchat from the Envision Festival in Costa Rica I realized that a festival like that is not for me anymore. I would rather take a trip to a quiet place on a beach for a yoga retreat, where I could have a hotel room or bungalow with fresh sheets and towels LOL But I do love to dance, so maybe when I get into the body my soul and mind can connect too I might feel differently 😉 But right now I love my quiet life with teacups, books, candle lights and my internet connection, but I love the memories of sand between my toes, moonlight in my hair, drum and bass rhythms in my soul and love in my heart on a beach in Thailand ❤

I love having coffee with you, it wraps up the week so nicely and sometimes good memories appear too, so many blessings! How has your week been? Did you have a more peaceful week? Or did you feel like crawling under a rock every now and then like me?

Until next time, stay safe and always remember to love yourself ❤

weekendcoffeeshare

Day 107 of gratitude!

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Today I had a great reality check! Some weeks ago I got papers from an official office that they wanted to look into the amount I get every month in child support. The number is at the lowest already so I got a bit upset and irritated that now they would take it all away. Having a deadbeat dad wasn’t enough, the small monthly forced payment also would have to go!

And this deadbeat dad is someone I miss and probably would have taken back at a low point in my life. Like a week ago.

Until now.

Because today I got the answer to the child support claim. It was his ex who had asked for it, they have three kids together too. And it really didn’t affect me at all. Sadly it only got worse for her, and better for me. I don’t really think that is fair, but since the deadbeat dad only pays minimum the system calculates it like that.

So what was my reality check?

Well in the papers I found information about the deadbeat dad. He is now living with another grown up and he is working full time. And here I was feeling sorry for him thinking he was all alone and maybe even missed his kids and me.

And on top of that the papers state that he is not seeing the three older kids either. So he has FIVE kids he is missing out on. At least I thought when I left him that he would then have less responsibility with us so he could create a great connection with the other three. I guess he failed there too.

So what am I grateful for in all this?

Well, I am grateful I have taken all the right choices over the past 4 years. I am grateful I am no longer hoping that we will get back together. I am grateful I have my kids and that our future is ours and that we are succeeding every single day we wake up happy and ready for a new day.

(the weekly guidance is coming up soon, I am just changing it at bit since I had more to write than what fitted in the little picture I usually use 😉 ) 

Weekly guidance 🔮

  This weeks guidance is yet again from Doreen Virtue and Radleigh Valentines Archangel tarot deck.

This deck is just speaking loudly to me these days and my personal cards always give me great guidance too.

Hope you can get some encouragement or hope through this weeks guidance.

Love and blessings to you all ❤

Weekend Coffee Share ⛄️☕️

weekendcoffeeshareIf we were having coffee today I would tell you that I am looking forward to Christmas! And that it is a really strange feeling! Because only 5-6 years ago I Didn’t really like Christmas. I actually preferred to not celebrate Christmas. But I had to since I had kids. But last year something changed.

I’m not sure what changed. But I had a really great time last year. And now it’s November and I’m already getting excited about decorating, baking and celebrating!
And honestly I’m not gonna bake that much or have a lot of people over, but there’s something about the waiting and the expectation and the decorations it just gives me a happy feeling.

And really I should dread December since I have two final exams then, but I’m not worried. I’m going to make it, just know I will.
If we were having coffee today we would most likely have it outside in a coffee shop with comfy chairs since I am needing some time out of the house lol The house is a mess and there’s laundry everywhere, so I would just be happy to have an hour outside this house right now. Maybe even two hours😉
I would also tell you that I feel so comfortable in my teacher training right now. And I can’t really remember why I was so nervous last year! But I guess being a substitute teacher also has help me to feel more confident. Last week the principal even observe me teaching and it went really fine! And she gave me great feedback afterwards! A year ago I would have died inside, but this year I just decided to be me and trust that I’m good enough!
If we were having coffee I would also tell you that I’m not really doing great with my diet or lifestyle changes… I eat every third hour, I even have an alarm on. But I just feel like I’m eating and eating and eating and eating! And I’m starting to lose faith in this process…. But I have promised myself to give these two full months a really honest go, so there is no option to stop eating right now. The only thing I need to focus more on is my sweet tooth.


I know that you would support me and that you believe I can do this. So I’m not giving up, but I will tell you it’s hard right now. On the other side I’m back on my yoga mat and it feels great. There’s not much I can do since I can’t use my right arm. But I’m trying and just doing what I can feels really good.

I would also tell you that I know I need to move more. And I’m thinking about starting to go for walks every now and then. But I’m so scared of the dark that I haven’t been able to try yet. I know it might sound as an excuse, because I really hate walking also!

But on the other side I’m not loving my shape physically, so maybe I just need to push myself and just walk. Because how bad can it really be? And who would take their time to attack me in the middle of the night all out on the countryside? Not that I really need to go out in the middle of the night, but it’s so freaking dark early now that it feels like the middle of the night at 6 pm 🙈

If we were having coffee today I would ask you how you were doing? I would ask you if you’re excited about Christmas?

Sunday song 📻

There is something about this lady that give me energy and hope!

I hope your Sunday is great!

“Hung Up”

Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly

Every little thing that you say or do
I’m hung up
I’m hung up on you
Waiting for your call
Baby night and day
I’m fed up
I’m tired of waiting on you

Time goes by so slowly for those who wait
No time to hesitate
Those who run seem to have all the fun
I’m caught up
I don’t know what to do

Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly
I don’t know what to do

Every little thing that you say or do
I’m hung up
I’m hung up on you
Waiting for your call
Baby night and day
I’m fed up
I’m tired of waiting on you

Every little thing that you say or do
I’m hung up
I’m hung up on you

Waiting for your call
Baby night and day
I’m fed up
I’m tired of waiting on you

Ring ring ring goes the telephone
The lights are on but there’s no-one home
Tick tick tock it’s a quarter to two
And I’m done
I’m hanging up on you

I can’t keep on waiting for you
I know that you’re still hesitating
Don’t cry for me
’cause I’ll find my way
you’ll wake up one day
but it’ll be too late

Every little thing that you say or do
I’m hung up
I’m hung up on you
Waiting for your call
Baby night and day
I’m fed up
I’m tired of waiting on you

Every little thing that you say or do
I’m hung up
I’m hung up on you
Waiting for your call
Baby night and day
I’m fed up
I’m tired of waiting on you

source: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/madonna/hungup.html

Weekend-coffee-share ☕️

If we were having coffee today it would be in our pajamas on my couch after way too many drinks last night. Because after this week I really needed a blowout! And it’s not in a bad way.

If we were having coffee today I would tell you that the meeting I attended on Wednesday shook my world. I might have mentioned this meeting last year, and I’m really happy it didn’t happen until now. A year ago I might not have healed, I might have gone deeper into the darkness instead. I deeply feel this past year has brought me to the place I am today where the information I got was appreciated not devastating.

So what kind of information did I get?

Well if we were having coffee today I would tell you that I have now seen all the official papers from my childhood. Not my father’s story, not my mother story, not my story, but the official records with dates and facts. And you might think it’s not important to read all of these. But honestly I have been hearing so many different stories that it was really important to see these.

Did it change my view on anything? Yes it did.
For the first time I now know that my father never wanted to adopt us away.

For the first time I now know what happened when my mom decided to leave us. And there is nothing in this world that can change my view on that anymore. I have an official paper with dates and actions. And for the first time ever I know I was never the reason she left.

And to some it might feel like we should be closer because of this information, but it has brought me further away from her. There is no longer any excuse in being only 16 when she had me. She had support but she ignored it. She left. No one forced her.

If we were having coffee I will tell you that I don’t need to go deeper into that I’m climbing up the rabbit hole. I would tell you that what I read this week gave me closure on so many levels.

But at the same time it opened doors. Suddenly there are people around me remembering. There are people who saw me back then for who I am today. It might sound strange, but my teachers from first grade described the person I am today back then. And suddenly I’m not unsure of who I am.

Suddenly I see my purpose.

So if we were having coffee today I will tell you that on Friday I put my big girl pants on and I went for what I want it. I have been unsure about my teacher practice. There’s a certain place I wanted to be, but I wasn’t brave enough to tell my student counselor. But on Friday I asked the school I wanted to be at if I could do my teacher practice there. The answer was yes! So now I get to learn from a great teacher that I truly believe can teach me a lot.

So now you understand why this would be the morning after coffee. Because these things I mention are only high lights, there has been lots of other stuff happening too! But all those other things are life now, Life in this small town is so much busier than I’m used to in the city! But I love it, and I’m feeling happy again.

So if we were having coffee now I would ask you what makes you happy? How does happiness feel to you?
❤️

Tuesday inspiration!

“I believe in intuitions and inspirations…I sometimes FEEL that I am right. I do not KNOW that I am.”
― Albert Einstein

“We always know which is the best road to follow, but we follow only the road that we have become accustomed to.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Pilgrimage

“You must train your intuition – you must trust the small voice inside you which tells you exactly what to say, what to decide.”
― Ingrid Bergman

Day 58 of gratitude ✏️

Today I’m thankful for all of your comments and likes!! It truly touches my heart! I read all of your comments and I try to respond as fast as I can! #thankyou