Staying in the light!

It is November! And I am not down in the darkness!! It has been a yearly happening over the last 5-6 years, “October-darkness”. October has usually kicked my butt pretty hard.

And this year started no different, the first two weeks of October had me crawling. I was so close to just give up. To give in. To not care.

But some where along those two weeks I felt the need to just not give a f**k! I decided that shit is bad, and shit will be bad for a while. So lets just make the best out of it! And by shit it is mostly finances and my baby boys issues at school.  But also self love. Self acceptance. Self worth. The usual shit.

And as I let it go things changed.

All of the sudden I was blessed with financial stability for the rest of the school year, I could finally just focus on my studies and kids. And as I let go of the need of fixing my baby boys issues, I just focused on him and encouraged him to make good choices EVERY day, something changed for him too! TWO huge stress factors were gone.

And in all of this I just decided that I have lost 17+- kilos and I am proud of it! My body is not perfect, and my weight is not at my goal-weight! But I am not giving up my good eating habits just because I don’t have time to exercise like I did earlier this year.

In April I decided to go plant-based, that means no meat, no diary and no oil. But it was hard!! So right now I am an vegetarian. No meat, no oil, but a tiny bit of diary. It is hard to get of the diary. I love cheese and sour cream to much! But I am scaling it down. And my goal for 2017 is to be able to live a plant base lifestyle 🙂

So over the last two weeks I have given my self some elbowroom to not get sad about the exercise part, and just because of that I started November with a smile!!

It doesn’t mean that my life is full of unicorns and rainbows lol there is still those dark moments and thoughts. But I am not letting them rule my life right now! I am working hard on having control over my thoughts. And I truly believe it will bring me all the healing I need when needed. And next month is my last session at my therapist, so I feel more confident now that I see that I can bring myself out of the mess in a much healthier way than before ❤

Frustration!

So I have this urge to write, but there is so little time! There have been many years since life was as busy as it is right now, and some days I wonder if I really like it like this… Some days I don’t even know what the day is or how to get through everything I have to do!

Image result for burning my candle at both endsAnd in some ways I know if I stay on this track I will hit that horrible dark spot again, the one I have stayed clear from for over 2 years now. It’s not like I feel it coming, but I just know that if I keep burning my candle at both ends it will happen. So how does anyone find the balance between excitement and relaxation? The balance between giving and receiving? The balance to live happily in high speed and slowing down when needed?

I definitely don’t have the answers yet! But I know that I have taken some small steps to change my environment to help me find the balance. This last weekend I changed out my yoga space in my bedroom with an office space. Because honestly, I never did yoga in my bedroom after I created a yoga space in the living room. Image result for easelAnd who needs TWO yoga spots in one house LOL 😉
So now its22.41 pm and I’m not crawled up in bed yet, I am sitting in my office space and writing. And it feels great to have this time by myself. To do what I love! Because before I got this space I went to bed when the kids did around 9 pm and watched movies and just slept. My office space was then in the hallway and I made to much noise for the kids to sleep and I felt uninspired sitting alone in a long dark hallway. Now I have my stuff all around me and I can light candles and incense sticks and just enjoy writing, or even paint if I feel like it 🙂 All I want from Santa now is an easel, that would make my personal space even more fun!!

So hopefully I will be around more, and I am also looking forward to writing more about my inner journey over the last 6 months. It has been a lot of changes, and I feel ready to share some of it soon ❤ And hopefully I will be able to start sharing on the Survivers blog too soon ❤

See you around soon!

 

 

Day 59 of gratitude 📝

Some days the teacher profession feels like a dream far far away! But since Thursday when I finished my latest assignment things have felt more real, I dare to dream about finish this education next spring.

And yesterday and today I have planned my English classes for the next five weeks. I have a lot more to do, but I have the rough plan, and this upcoming week sorted out. And now I am super excited about the response from the kids, fingers crossed that it will be okay!

 

Weekend Coffee Share ☕️

img_0187-1If we were having coffee today it would have been out on my new porch in the beautiful sunshine with blankets and cozy pillows! It is not spring here yet, but the sunshine is amazing, and the crisp air is healing.

Today I took the kids out for a small stroll in the neighborhood. We should have done that a long time ago! It was amazing! And there was plenty of places for the kids to play, climb and run.
IBut the best part was us being outside together, chatting, playing, laughing and walking. We haven’t been so relaxed in a very long time. And when we got back home the kids wanted to stay outside and play! They stayed outside and played for three more hours and then we all had family tacos before shower and bedtime stories. A perfect end to a really really good family spring break. Tomorrow we are going back to the everyday life. I haven’t really missed it this time, I usually do….

If we were having coffee today I would tell you that this week with the kids have been so good, but this week emotionally has been so rough. I keep getting into these conversations where I have to address the though stuff. Where I need to feel it all. And process it. And finally do something about it. You know that’s not my way. Or at least it wasn’t my way a year ago. These days I am changing, have you noticed? I hadn’t. Until the conversation about friendships this week. Today when I tell you about this I see so clearly how much I have changed. And it applies to so many different parts of my life. Tomorrow I am going back into teacher training, and I am not nervous. I am actually excited and eager to get back there. And this is me 6th teacher practice, but the first I am not stressed about!

img_0488If we were having coffee today I would tell you that my yoga practice are slowly waking up. My arm is still not doing all I want it too, and I am not nearly as flexible as I was. But I am doing it. I am on my mat almost every day. Progress. And I share it again on Instagram, it motivates me to work on my poses. It motivates me to accept my body. The body movement on Instagram about every body being a yoga body is really pushing me.
Even though the skinny, beautiful girls are dominating my Instagram feed, I am slowly finding real people. People with a body in whatever size doing awesome yoga and being a real inspiration. I also follow a few on Snapchat and they are just so real!

img_0496I’m even considering to attend yoga class in my town again, but I want my practice at home to be more steady and my arm to be stronger. But a teacher at work is going there, and she encouraged me to attend, so I will do it sometime later this year.

If we were having coffee today I would tell you my eating disorder thoughts are crawling in my mind these days.  I am staying as faithful as I can to eating 4-5 times a day. And I now feel fullness and hunger. But when I feel fullness I can’t stop myself if there is more food available. And I don’t like that. I know I need to downsize my portions, because I feel full before my plate is empty. But I don’t know how. I have been doing this size for so long that it just feels impossible. But I am eating only two slices of bread when I have bread instead of my previous four slices, so I know I can. But with dinner it just feels hard. Really hard. So now my thoughts about gaining weight instead of loosing because I can’t manage to downsize my portions have made me think about dropping food and just starve myself a bit. But, I haven’t gotten there, because I know it is wrong. But my mind is having a crazy battle these days. And I am not happy about the body I am currently living in, but now I am wondering if it will be ever possible for me to change my ways. I can’t exercise right now because I know I would push it to hard, push myself and end up not eating. What a catch 22!
If we were having coffee today I would tell you that 2016 has not turned out as I expected it to be so far, it has been two really rough months. In addition time is flying. Next month is my birthday month. I am turning 39. I am not stressed about it, I don’t identify with the number. But I guess that in some ways I am my number too, because today when I watched Yogagirl’s Snapchat from the Envision Festival in Costa Rica I realized that a festival like that is not for me anymore. I would rather take a trip to a quiet place on a beach for a yoga retreat, where I could have a hotel room or bungalow with fresh sheets and towels LOL But I do love to dance, so maybe when I get into the body my soul and mind can connect too I might feel differently 😉 But right now I love my quiet life with teacups, books, candle lights and my internet connection, but I love the memories of sand between my toes, moonlight in my hair, drum and bass rhythms in my soul and love in my heart on a beach in Thailand ❤

I love having coffee with you, it wraps up the week so nicely and sometimes good memories appear too, so many blessings! How has your week been? Did you have a more peaceful week? Or did you feel like crawling under a rock every now and then like me?

Until next time, stay safe and always remember to love yourself ❤

weekendcoffeeshare

Friendship material 🤔

img_0427

So after pondering a lot about the conversation that happened on Thursday I feel ready to share and maybe even processes the thing even better.

The start of the whole conversation was my stupid fault, I had a thought rant that just ended up being expressed to the wrong person. At least that is how I see it now.

The thought rant was about a spiritual message I had read somewhere on FB, and it was something like this:

“if you want a boyfriend in your life you need to create space for him”

So I said this to the person I was with:

“I have read this spiritual message somewhere and it made me realize that I need to open myself up to love if I ever want a boyfriend: BUT I’m really not ready to share my home with anyone at the moment other than the kids. I don’t really like to have people over either, how can I have room for a boyfriend?” then I laughed.

She didn’t.

She just looked at me, so I got uncomfortable, and I kind of stated: ” I might be a bit strange…”

Then she said: “You are very strange and it is not normal to not have people over.”

 

At this moment I was deep into “fight or flight” mode. This is actually something we work with in therapy, so it was a huge learning moment for me too. I didn’t recognize it as that in the moment, but I see it now.

The conversation about me not being to keen on visitors continued into friendships. And this is a part of that conversation:

 “Well I have my dad over and I see him as my dad, supporter and friend. So I am not all alone here. And I have some mums in my kids daycare or class that I really like and hope to create closer bonds with. But it is not easy moving back to a place where everyone never left. I’m not a person that claims people”

Her respond: “your dad is your family, not your friend. He has to be around”.

Luckily I know he doesn’t feel like that, even though she does.

And finally I had to defend myself some more, or try to not sound like a crazy person:

” I have my friend over the last 9 years in Oslo, she will always be there for me”

Her respond:

“it doesn’t count as a friendship when she is living so far away!”

And she said somewhere in the conversation also about me being to old (I’m 39 next month) to create new, significant friendships and how different she was when she had young kids because she always had time for friends.

WELL, I  am a single mum with three kids, a student and I work. I really don’t have time! She was a stay at home mum, with her mother in law helping her with her kids!

Not that I care anymore about what she did compared to what I do.

I am proud of my life and what I am accomplishing.

In the end I was lucky enough to have a meeting with my therapist I had to leave for, BUT her word there and then became my reality. And in the car for my 45 minute long drive I added the words to my reality and decided it was time to move away from my hometown. I made a plan. I had it all sorted out when I parked my car. On the way up the stairs to my therapists office I realized I couldn’t move the kids again. I had not added their feelings and love for this place in my plan.

So when my therapist asked me how I felt, I broke down in tears. I couldn’t say anything for 5 whole minutes. And that is a long time crying.

But what happened then, and what happens usually during these situations when I have someone to talk too about negative thoughts regarding myself, is that I can reason. I manage to reason with myself, my feelings and my flight plan.

One year ago I would have fled. With no looking back.

Now I manage to reason. And this is what I finally figured out, this is my truth:

First off all I am N O T to old to create new friends. And I will never be to old.
Secondly I H A V E great friends. And even though my closest friend lives 3 hours away I know she will always be there. And it doesn’t matter that we don’t talk or see each other everyday, the friendship is strong and when the kids have left the nest we will have that time again.

Thirdly I have great friends online and in other countries, friends I have met traveling or friends that I have met through my blog or spiritual practice. These are my friends, and I will never stop thinking about these people as friends. No person in this world can take that away from me, or redefine those friendships.

And lastly I have friends I study with, friends I work with and friends here I live. These friends are growing friendships.

Being an introvert makes it harder for me to just jump into friendships or declare that someone is my friend. But I know that when people ask for my help or advice, and I freely can ask for their advice or help we are friends.

So I might not visit people much, I don’t have visits over much. But it doesn’t make me a strange person with no friends. It makes me just a person who needs her privacy and quiet time. There are kids here all the time in addition to my own kids, I love that and right now that is all the visits I need ❤

In the end I am friend material, and I  might even one day consider myself girl friend material too 😉 But right now I am happy with myself and my friends. My life doesn’t lack anything, I am grateful for all the people in my life ❤

 

Day 56 of gratitude!

My plan was to ramble about my hopeless “am I a friend-material” situation. But instead I spent all my energy on my school assignment! SO now I am just happy that I am done four days before the deadline! So I delivered it before I started to rewrite and stress about it, and tomorrow I start on my English class planning for next week. FIVE weeks of English, so much fun.. hopefully 😛

B U T I am not done with the “friend-material” thoughts, so I will get back to it tomorrow 😉

Had a good chat with my therapist about it, so I definitely have changed my perspective, but I still have many  words to say about it 😛

Day 54 of gratitude 💕

#motherhood

Today we had a good day, despite Leon’s mini breakdown over having a day off daycare 😛 He now knows that Tuesdays are days he can bring his own toys to daycare, so that I had planned it so terrible to give him a day off was hard to forgive! But when he then realized it was only 6 days until the next Tuesday his mood changed!

We took a trip to the library because Lara’s less iPad time has inspired her to be a book worm (just like her mom 😉 ) Two books in 6 days is a new record! And she know how much I love books and she was so proud when she borrowed two new books today and told me she will try to read them before her spring break is over! Reading books has always been a goldmine for my mind, and I am happy she has taken on my love for books ❤

Lily had her second day at handball school and spent the afternoon with her best friend planning their joined birthday party next month.

I also managed to get started on two of my assignments today, hopefully they will be done by Friday so I can spend my weekend reading for my bachelor assignment. Yesterday I was not motivated, but today when I was doing research I figured out a plan that will help me when I am writing my bachelor assignment too! Win-win situation, I love that!

The final thing I am happy for today is the sun!! Today we all rocked sneakers, lighter jackets and sunglasses out in the bright sun, I can truly feel spring coming!!! And I am getting excited about planning some garden stuff this summer! But first I have my bachelor assignment due in May, my 5 exams in May/June, and teacher training next week for 5 weeks and lastly our Spain vacation in June/July on the agenda 😉

At the end of July I can focus on my garden, but it is important to have goals and dreams right?

Day 52/53 of gratitude 👌🏻

Morning yoga! Over the last week I have been doing more yoga than I have in the last month and it feels amazing! And I’m going to keep going so I can get into a good practice again where my body and mind can really relax and feel calm.

Yoga is also a perfect tool when I’m stressed out. It helps me to focus and breathe 👌🏻 and it is also helping me to love my body!

My eating has changed so drastically, I’m feeling hunger and fullness, but I’m not loosing much weight. Instead I’m starting to enjoy my body, to push it in yoga is just wonderful and I have realized that I don’t need to be skinny to do yoga. My body is a yoga body, no matter the size as long as I keep practicing 💜🙏🏻

The grip my eating disorder had on me for over 20 years is loosing up.. I’m not controlled by food anymore, my mind is free and healing. Food is my friend, my body is my temple. I am slowly learning to love and appreciate my temple and it feels so good. It makes me feel so blessed and grateful, I’m healthy and okay just the way I am 🙏🏻

#gratefulformybody  

Weekend coffee share ☕️☕️

 If we were having coffee today I would let you know I am sorry I missed out last weekend, but as I briefly wrote life was giving me a hard curve ball and all I managed to do was to breath and not give up!

I managed it pretty well when I look back today. Instead of having a week long meltdown, I had a 12 hours meltdown before I managed to create solutions. I calmed down very fast, by Monday afternoon I was calm as never before. Because I had decided that my rules this time was the lifeline I needed to stay sane. It was what I needed to be able to believe that I was capable to solve the issues and be the best mother I could be. To all three of my kids.

I think what made me calm wasn’t my furious 10 year old, but my scared 5 and 6 year old. They had to sleep with me on Sunday because they were so scared. And they haven’t slept with me in forever! Leon stopped the summer we moved here and Lily when she was 2, and next month she turns 7! So it shook me. Deeply. And I knew Monday morning that everything forward would be about not ending up in that situation again, with any of the kids. Not only Lara. But I also know there are no guaranties. But all I can do now is to try my best to avoid that situation again.

If we were having coffee today I would be so grateful for your company! I miss adult company when life throws me a curve ball like that. And if you remember I had a little rough time before this happened too, so when Lara ran away I felt like life was giving up on me, like I could just give up on life too. And it made it clear that I again had no one to talk too. No adults around.

But honestly when I think about it, I miss adult company on other good days too. So being able to work and see my coworkers kept me sane this week. And it might sound crazy, but on Tuesday I actually spoke up about what happened at home. And I was petrified that everyone would think I was crazy! But instead others told me about similar situations in their homes. Relief. My kid is not unique. Our situation is not unique. We actually sound like a pretty normal family when other share their stories with me. And it just helped me to stick to my rules. To stay calm and to just breath. Because she fought my rules. Monday night she fought. Tuesday – all day long! Wednesday morning. Then only after school on Thursday for a small hour. And nothing this weekend. She now sees that I am not giving in. But I can reward her, and I did so today when she mopped her bed room floor and tidy it from bottom to top!

If we were having coffee today I would most likely have baked you a cake, just because I feel happy on the inside and then I like to bake. I have been thinking about baking for the kids all day, but instead I have cleaned and organized their beds. Lara had a horrible bed situation going on, and she has reclined my offer to give her Lily’s bed, so Lily and Leon could share the bunk bed, for a year now. But today she accepted! And Lily and Leon’s bedrooms got so much better too with smaller beds and more floor space. A win-win for all three 🙂  (sometimes mum’s or dad’s knows best, but it is just in the kid to fight it.. I know because I can be the same 😉 )

Yesterday all three of them had a great time outside in the fresh snow (that luckily are gone today!) and I made them hot coco with chocolate cookies. In the evening they where all bundled up in Lara’s bed telling stories and laughing. It was so nice to see their friendship and love for each other ❤

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I had a great work week too, I am a bit sad that the next upcoming weeks are only practice work and bachelor assignment work. I love my student life, but I know the next month and a half will be very stressful! But at least I will be teaching English for all those weeks, and that is a great bonus!!

If we were having coffee I would also tell you that I miss my dad a lot right now, but I know he is really enjoying his vacation in Chile. And in reality I just want to travel right now, so I might just be jealous that he is out there having fun and enjoying the heath 😛 In June we will be going to Spain, and when we leave I will have accomplished to finish my bachelor assignment and 5 exams! That will be a great reward. Beach life and sun, happy kids and some amazing food and shopping! Just what I need after this spring, because it will be hard work to manage to get all this reading, writing and studying done. But I can do it. And I know you would tell me the same. The goal is so close. So close. I will not give in. I will keep pushing, and I know I have you backing me up! Thank you!

Did you have a good week? What are your plans this upcoming week? I hope you are planning some fun ❤ take care, lots of hugs xoxoxox

weekendcoffeeshare