Staying in the light!

It is November! And I am not down in the darkness!! It has been a yearly happening over the last 5-6 years, “October-darkness”. October has usually kicked my butt pretty hard.

And this year started no different, the first two weeks of October had me crawling. I was so close to just give up. To give in. To not care.

But some where along those two weeks I felt the need to just not give a f**k! I decided that shit is bad, and shit will be bad for a while. So lets just make the best out of it! And by shit it is mostly finances and my baby boys issues at school. Β But also self love. Self acceptance. Self worth. The usual shit.

And as I let it go things changed.

All of the sudden I was blessed with financial stability for the rest of the school year, I could finally just focus on my studies and kids. And as I let go of the need of fixing my baby boys issues, I just focused on him and encouraged him to make good choices EVERY day, something changed for him too! TWO huge stress factors were gone.

And in all of this I just decided that I have lost 17+- kilos and I am proud of it! My body is not perfect, and my weight is not at my goal-weight! But I am not giving up my good eating habits just because I don’t have time to exercise like I did earlier this year.

In April I decided to go plant-based, that means no meat, no diary and no oil. But it was hard!! So right now I am an vegetarian. No meat, no oil, but a tiny bit of diary. It is hard to get of the diary. I love cheese and sour cream to much! But I am scaling it down. And my goal for 2017 is to be able to live a plant base lifestyle πŸ™‚

So over the last two weeks I have given my self some elbowroom to not get sad about the exercise part, and just because of that I started November with a smile!!

It doesn’t mean that my life is full of unicorns and rainbows lol there is still those dark moments and thoughts. But I am not letting them rule my life right now! I am working hard on having control over my thoughts. And I truly believe it will bring me all the healing I need when needed. And next month is my last session at my therapist, so I feel more confident now that I see that I can bring myself out of the mess in a much healthier way than before ❀

Old patterns..

I have written about my worst fear before. The fear of my sons school start. The fear of him being the misunderstood. The bully. The punk-ass kid no one likes. The disliked child.

The first 6 weeks went like heaven! The school didn’t understand my worries, because it went so well.

Well, then things turned. In a heartbeat.

Now he is the bully. He needs to be watched to protect another child.

WHAT?

I just don’t understand this. But I am not shrugging it off as an innocent thing either. I don’t understand his actions, and he can not explain them either.

Well, he is six years old.

He is not a demon child out to hurt anyone. He is not being cruel because he likes it. He just don’t understand certain social codes.

So before the fall break I spoke to his school and I had faith in the teacher and student counselor. I still do.

But I don’t have faith in the other child’s parents.

I have not spoken about this case with anyone around me for one single reason.

I LIVE IN A TINY VILLAGE WHERE WORDS TRAVEL FASTER THAN A FART!

And I hold my son responsible for his part in this. And I want to give the school and him a chance to make the changes that is needed for. I give my son a chance to change. I don’t think this is his path to a life as a bully.

But today the other parents show me that they have no intention to see my son as a good child that can change.

They are talking about this case with other parents. So a parent I don’t know posted a message on Facebook in the class group that “someone” is being bullied and we need a meeting to solve this.

The parents need a meeting to solve this.

I just saw the gossip spread, the questions, and the feelings. The hate. The stress.

So in desperation I posted in the same group that I am aware of my sons actions, that we are being guided by the school and that they are doing their best to help both of these boys.

I don’t need a “town-meeting” where people meet up to figure out who this horrible bully of a kid is.

I need grown ups that understand that these kids are 6 years old and need guidance and help. But most of all more love and acceptance.

But my first thought when all this happened?

Well my son wasn’t the only one who went back to his old patterns. I was ready to pack my suitcase, throw the kids in the car and leave that place faster than ever!

But I stayed.

I want to fight for my son. He deserves someone who fights for him. He deserve to be given the chance to change. To understand his own lacks.

He is a good child. A caring and lovable child.

So I am rolling up my sleeves and I am getting ready for the biggest fight of my life!

Accepting his wrong doing, helping him to change and still never stop loving him!

 

 

 

Day 68 of gratitude πŸŽ‚

  
Homemade gifts, drawings, hugs, songs and comments on Facebook is a perfect way for me to celebrate my 39th birthday ❀️🎈☺️ looking forward to another year of growth and change πŸ‘ŒπŸ» life feels pretty good today, I even had sunshine and blue skies, hopefully a sign for good health and happiness over the next twelve months, fingers crossed πŸŽ‚πŸŽˆπŸŽ

Day 64 of gratitude (yesterday) πŸ˜΄

Early bedtime! The girls had disco last night so I was the driver 🚘 all night! And after a long day (week) at work I went to bed minutes after I parked the car πŸ˜‰ slept like a baby, Leon fell asleep before the whole thing even started ❀️

  
Have a great Saturday! I’m getting ready to drive some more, next up is handball tournament for Lily and the whole family is going β›ΉπŸ»βš½οΈπŸ†

Day 63 of gratitude β˜ΊοΈ

Keeping it very simple tonight. Had a long day with group therapy and individual therapy. On top I wrote over 3000 theory words on my bachelor assignment πŸ‘πŸ»πŸ˜ƒ so good to have finally gotten words out of my mind and down on paper! In addition planned English classes for tomorrow and next week! Also helped Leon get through a mini breakdown. So keeping it simple and just feeling grateful for life and how it moves forward when I at least expect it too πŸ™πŸ» 

  
 

#tbtΒ 

  On this day 7 years ago I was 36 weeks and 3 days pregnant!! I was in a turmoil of feelings! So happy to be pregnant, but in a relationship that was already in a downward spiral. I tried to save it so bad. And at this point I had taken him back for the first time. I did it three more times.  
7 years later I am finally starting to love myself, to respect myself. I am owning my life as a mother, a student, a friend and slowly a person that is good enough just the way I am. 

Group therapy today was powerful, I shared without over sharing πŸ‘πŸ» I managed to balance my words and heal without going to deep into my own stuff. And it felt good! My life is moving forward, and one day I hope to let love in again. The same powerful love that lead to that belly, but without the saving part.. Just pure love, I now know I deserve it ❀️ 

#throwbackthursday 

Day 56 of gratitude!

My plan was to ramble about my hopeless “am I a friend-material”Β situation. But instead I spent all my energy on my school assignment! SO now I am just happy that I am done four days before the deadline! So I delivered it before I started to rewrite and stress about it, and tomorrow I start on my English class planning for next week. FIVE weeks of English, so much fun.. hopefully πŸ˜›

B U T I am not done with the “friend-material” thoughts, so I will get back to it tomorrow πŸ˜‰

Had a good chat with my therapist about it, so I definitely have changed my perspective, but I still have many Β words to say about it πŸ˜›

Day 55 of gratitude (yesterday)Β 

Another great family day!!!! We did yoga together πŸ’œ 

  
And spent 2 hours in the community pool together 🏊🏻 

  
One mini breakdown on the way home because he was so tired! And we are both stubborn πŸ™ˆ

  
In the evening we ate pizza watched movies and fell asleep on the couch 😜 

Spring break is going very well so far πŸ‘πŸ»πŸ’•

Day 54 of gratitude πŸ’•

#motherhood

Today we had a good day, despite Leon’s mini breakdown over having a day off daycare πŸ˜› He now knows that Tuesdays are days he can bring his own toys to daycare, so that I had planned it so terrible to give him a day off was hard to forgive! But when he then realized it was only 6 days until the next Tuesday his mood changed!

We took a trip to the library because Lara’s less iPad time has inspired her to be a book worm (just like her mom πŸ˜‰ ) Two books in 6 days is a new record! And she know how much I love books and she was so proud when she borrowed two new books today and told me she will try to read them before her spring break is over! Reading books has always been a goldmine for my mind, and I am happy she has taken onΒ my love for books ❀

Lily had her second day at handball school and spent the afternoon with her best friend planning their joined birthday party next month.

I also managed to get started on two of my assignments today, hopefully they will be done by Friday so I can spend my weekend reading for my bachelor assignment. Yesterday I was not motivated, but today when I was doing research I figured out a plan that will help me when I am writing my bachelor assignment too! Win-win situation, I love that!

The final thing I am happy for today is the sun!! Today we all rocked sneakers, lighter jackets and sunglasses out in the bright sun, I can truly feel spring coming!!! And I am getting excited about planning some garden stuff this summer! But first I have my bachelor assignment due in May, my 5 exams in May/June, and teacher training next week for 5 weeks and lastly our Spain vacation in June/July on the agenda πŸ˜‰

At the end of July I can focus on my garden, but it is important to have goals and dreams right?