Choices!

So I have been missing in action again! I just don’t grasp time these days! Its flyyyyyying! The weeks are disappearing so fast, I’m literally looking over my Christmas stuff these days lol

Image result for choices memeThen we have all these choices.

How do we even know how to make the right choices?

Some weeks ago I was ready to embark into the jungle of online dating again! Like I didn’t learn my lesson already! But how do you meet anyone when you are alone with young kids? Well online is the answer I keep hearing from “everyone”.

But then I decided to delete the idea and just find peace in being alone. For now at least.

Was it the right choice, or was it fear that took control?

I have no clue, and this is how I resonate with everything these days.

Making choices and then second guessing them. Helping myself to get more confused, that’s all I do.

Image result for second guessing ecardsSo now I am second guessing my education path.

Again!

Not that I don’t want to be a teacher, but am I taking the right subjects? Should I delay what I am doing and choose differently?

OMG!

And then you have the weight loss situation! And the therapy situation! And the kids! And money! And! And! And!

Life is actually just a path of choices. And all we do is accepting choices. We either hit a wall and learn a lesson, or we choose right and experience happiness. So why is it so hard to just accept these parts of life?

Why do I wish over and over that I had no choice? Don’t you think I would have complained if the choices was gone too?

Image result for live in the momentI sure do.
SO! Enough about the whining, time to just enjoy the moment, challenge myself and keep accepting life as it is. NO more second guessing! So I might hit a dump in the road, but that is how I will grow! And that is how I will be a great role model for my kids too ❤

 

 

 

Change 👌🏻

The other day I was going through my profile pictures on Facebook, because I realized I still had pictures of my ex there!!! As I was deleting them I realized that my life was looking back at me through my selfies! And I was fascinated about what I saw. How much I have changed, and how strange I look in some pictures.

So I decided to share some here, and also share the life I lived at the moment of the picture. Because I believe change is necessary to have a good life. And my pictures show me at good times, but also during really really trying and hard times.

 

This is me in the fall of 2007. In this moment I was a mother of one and I had no self esteem at all! I felt fat, alone and like a failure. The only thing I felt I managed at this moment was being a mom. And that is not a little thing. Looking back today I see myself in another light. And I wish I could tell this girl that she is enough and that she should be proud of how far she had come at that time. I wish I could hug her and let her know she could find security in herself not a man.

 

This is me around a year later, the fall of 2008. I was in love. I was pregnant with my second child. And I was alone. I had convinced myself that he loved me and that we were ready for a child. In retrospect, I was the only one ready. I don’t regret my child. But I wish I could have told myself that everything would be okay and that I wasn’t expected to fight all alone for something two people needed to fight for.

 

 

This is another year gone by. The late fall of 2009. So tired, but somewhere in there I felt some kind of happiness too. I had my two daughters. And I had fought so hard to get my love back. We were a family again. I believed in us. I believed my love was strong enough for all of us. I believed we could conquer the world with my strength. And I was pregnant again, with a love child. At least that was what it felt like in that moment of time. Weeks later he betrayed this woman, he cheated and lied. Still she took him back. Could I have told this woman to do things differently? Not at all. I was not open for that. I was consumed in what I believed I needed. To be loved, but most of all to love.

 

Winter of 2010. Alone again. This time with three kids. This was the third time he left us during the 3 years we had shared. And every time he left for several months. This time I never believed he would get back to us. But I was open to take him back. My feelings was brushed under layers of layers of need to be loved. This is a year after he cheated on me, and betrayed me. I was still ready to love him, to sacrifice everything for him. All I see is a tired woman. This woman could have listened to me. This woman had accepted another solution than the one that she later chose..

 

Fall 2011. She took her power back, but first she took him back. She realized she didn’t love him anymore. Sleeping with him made her sick and upset. She couldn’t even look at him in the end. So this woman found her strength. She knew she couldn’t get him to leave, he only left when he wanted to. So she tricked him. As soon as he was out of the appartment she turned her back on him. She was done. When this picture was taken he had just moved out. Her eyes are scared, but also relived. I would go back now and let her know she did everything right. For her and the kids.

 

Fall 2012. She had found happiness in her life again. And this time not through a man. But just by living and working and being a mom. She had understood that the greatest way to change her life was to put herself first. To do something that enriches her life and the kids. She was secure all by herself. And she had fought off some demons to let him get back in her life. She felt free of the relationship for the first time. And she had found a purpose in herself, she had now started her teacher studies. She had a very positive outlook on the future.

Fall 2013. This woman is about to take on a job that will drain her. She is already tired, and feeling lonely. But she is trying to hide it and find energy in the people that cheer her on. She believes it is important to make the changes, she thinks she can do it alone. She wants to make a difference. Her choices are made with her heart, not a balanced mind. If I could go back to her I would have told her to take more time to choose. To see the whole picture, and to let her know that she was good enough where she was and that her the job was not the solution to her loneliness….


Winter 2014. A tired woman dealing with depression and eating-disorder. But also a strong woman who had checked into therapy, because she knew it was what she needed. She wanted to heal, she wanted change. And in the middle of all of this she was the best mother she could be. Her anchor in her healing process was being a mom. Without it she would not have had a direction to go.

 

Fall 2015. Finally is the smile in her eyes coming back. Her passion in her life, teaching is now a huge part of her life. She has after a year finally settled down in her hometown, left the city life behind. She is calm on the inside when she needs too, and she is letting her emotions out when she need too. She is seeking balance, not food. She knows that she can create the future she deserve. She is learning to live again.

Fall 2016. This is me now, 9 years later. So much has happened, more than these few words can describe! But finally I feel more comfortable in my own skin. I’m healthier than I have been in years! On the outside and the inside! I have recently lost 17 kilos (37,5 pounds) and I’m ready to loose the next 23 kg too! I’m living a life free of drama. I have cut people out of my life because I needed to. I have my studies, and next year I will be an educated teacher! My kids are thriving and living happy lives. We are still only an unit of four, but it is perfect for us. Right now I am not ready to change that.  I hope I can bring this experience with me and be the strong woman I want to be. But one thing I have accepted is that I know life will change again, but I am determined to bring my smile and fire with me along the way ❤

 

Life-as-it-is-Wednesday!

So getting back to writing feels perfect in my head, but it is way harder to actually get it done! And I feel deeply that I need it, so why is it so hard to just do it?

I guess it is like my studies too, I avoid it as long as I can even though I know I need it. And just like last fall and the fall before that I question my studies. Did I make the right choice? Should I stop this subject and instead take another one?

I am so afraid of failing and not being good enough that I put myself in this corner of fear. I tell myself everyday that I have made the wrong choices all along. And in the end I finally believe my evil voice..

So how can I be trapping out of therapy when I know I still are hurting myself in my head? Well I hope I now have the tools to take care of the healing and to clear my mind when it happens instead of falling into the well known dark hole.

The hole I seem to crawl at every fall.

Why is it like that? Why does the fall that I love so deeply also bring the darkest times in my life?

Well I guess it must have something to do with the heat and light that slowly disappear.  Maybe I’m not a fall person after all? Maybe I’m really a summer girl? Maybe seeing myself as a fall girl has made it okay for me to nurture my need of hiding and being alone?

What if I am a summer girl that loves people and loves the heat?

Well I do love the light and I do love the sun, the beaches and the sand. But I know in my core that I am an introvert. SO the people is okay, but I will never love the public. But having more people in my life is a goal, so maybe I can see myself as a summer girl that loves some attention and some happiness and joy 😉

Life is funny, and when I take my time to sit down like this to reflect I see that I am okay. That I am where I am supposed to be ❤

Day 56 of gratitude!

My plan was to ramble about my hopeless “am I a friend-material” situation. But instead I spent all my energy on my school assignment! SO now I am just happy that I am done four days before the deadline! So I delivered it before I started to rewrite and stress about it, and tomorrow I start on my English class planning for next week. FIVE weeks of English, so much fun.. hopefully 😛

B U T I am not done with the “friend-material” thoughts, so I will get back to it tomorrow 😉

Had a good chat with my therapist about it, so I definitely have changed my perspective, but I still have many  words to say about it 😛

Absent!

I am so sorry for not responding to any comments right now.

Today I have spent 8 hours doing math, and the next couple of weeks will be all like this.

I have spent every hour when I haven’t made dinner or helped my kids solving math problems.

And I actually managed to deliver my test exam today too, 2 days before the deadline.

I answered maybe 95% of the questions, so I am now looking forward to get feedback on what I was doing right and what I did wrong.

Tomorrow I need to start a 7 page paper that needs to be done by Friday too.

So it’s a busy math life right now, but after the 1st of June I will have vacation until the middle of August!

That will be amazing!!!!

Thank you so much for all the support on my blog posts and for being around for me through happy days and dark days ❤

Happy human being over here!

Today I delivered my first exam!

In good time!

I don’t care if I pass or not right now, coz I actually managed to do it.

I never believed in myself to do it.

I was sure I would have a mental breakdown and just give in!

And when I only slept 3 hours last night because of excessive stomach pain I was sure I was manifesting failure!

But I sat in my bed and just let the pain go through me.

I woke up an hour before the kids and just read my theory in bed before getting up.

Preparing for the final assignment to be done before Leon’s meeting.

I had no faith.

But I did it.

And Leon’s meeting went well!

The professional that had previously observed him at daycare had seen all the stuff I am worried about and she agreed with my action plan!

I am so happy!

A super duper happy human being exist right here!

And tomorrow I will dive into my math again, but right now I am just enjoying this moment of pure happiness.

Of pure pleasure of having exceeded my own expectations!

Go me!

Slow Sunday

it seems like Sunday’s are our dedicated family and slow day! 

And I like it! 

  
I slept in til 9.30 today! 

Leon was the only one up before that, and he had made himself breakfast without turning the kitchen upside down!

And luckily using plastic IKEA knifes has rubbed off on him! Phew! 

After my morning coffee he wanted to snuggle so we laid down in my bed and watched a movie together, super cozy!

Lara slept over at a friends house and Lily spent the morning in bed with her iPad 😊

Midday the kids went outside and I did some laundry.

Also managed to clean out Lily’s closet and rearrange her clothes. Hopefully it will stay organized now!

The rest off the day has been dedicated to math! I am finally starting to understand Pythagoras sentence! 

  
I have my education theory exam tomorrow!

It’s a three days home-exam!

I will be knee down in my books for those three days for sure!

It’s predicted rain here and that doesn’t do well with my exam!

Kids will be spending a lot of time inside🙈 but I will make the best off it, I know I can!

After that I need to do more math, like calculations and test exams. Not only reading the theory any more…

I pray I will pass on all three exams.

It would make this year so good.

But I am not expecting to much either.

I will survive no matter what.

But will stay optimistic and positive until the 1th of June is over!

Go me! 

  

Contrasts

I am still around. My family didn’t manage to tie me down 👍 I decided to clean up my FB instead, so I cleared out 250 friends that was connected to my mum in some way or another. And it feels so good! I feel free of the stress from my family. I have also taken some steps back regarding my relationship to my grandmother. She was the one who pushed me to the feelings about anonymity. I’m just feeling that I can’t trust her with my feelings and thoughts anymore, I feel she will always take my moms view and never even try to see mine. And it’s okay. I mean my mum is her daughter, so she should protect her if that feels good for her. I don’t mind losing the closeness I sometimes have felt with my grandmother.

It was my great-grandmother who understood me, who always had my back. And I can still feel her love from heaven. So I am at peace with this. So many times in my life have I tried to connect with my mother’s family, and equally amount of times have I been hurt. So it’s time to move on. I will still keep in touch with my grandfather though. We have no bad feelings. Thankfully. And my dad. Thankfully.

It seems like I have a better connection with the adult men in my life. They don’t play games or manipulate. They are straight with me, and honest, no hidden agendas. Exactly how I am. I guess all the funny questionnaires I do on FB that are telling me my brain is working like a male brain might be right 😉 coz in real life I understand men, and I like the simple thinking that involves truth and straightforwardness. I guess that’s probably why I have issues in love relationship with men. I try to think and act like a woman, and fail every time. Maybe I should just stay true to be me if there ever will be a next time 👍 This week has been full of contrasts. I had school at campus on Monday and Tuesday. It was rough on Monday. We had lectures about sexual abuse and kids growing up with abuse, drugs or/and mentally unhealthy parents. Both affected me. I even cried during the lectures. It was hard. But on the other hand it also gave me tools to heal myself, and to see what I should change regarding my own kids. Healing and tools in one day, and being in a crowded room. I was beyond exhausted at the end of the day!

Tuesday was more fun at campus, I had math 👍👍 and since I have lost so many lectures after Christmas due to my aunt being sick and her sudden passing I was scared I would feel lost. But I didn’t. It was okay. I actually felt I can manage a decent grade in math. Not at the top, but better than just passing. And that is a good feeling I hope will last as soon as I get back to my studies again..

Wednesday was funeral day. It was a hard day for all of us. The turn up in the funeral was 8 people. Can you imagine how empty the church was? And the church wasn’t even that big. My thoughts all through the service was that I can not end up this alone. I need to have more people around me. NOW.

My oldest joined me. It was hard on her, but I imagine it being harder when one of her great-grandparents passes in the future. She is a thinker and I think this funeral gave her some insight into the future and also about death. She cried with me, and she was so brave all day long. In the car on our way back home she drew a picture of the funeral. And she said these words:

“after every funeral I will attend I will make a drawing of it afterwards and throw it in the wind”.

I asked her what she meant about that, but she couldn’t explain. It was just a feeling. I love her for that. For being so in-tuned with her feelings. For having such a huge heart. This is her drawing:

Yesterday was the day of my therapist appointment. It was hard. I learned that my psychologist is getting a new position and that she will not be with me from the end of march. Its so sad, coz I really have connected with her. But its just life also. So I am dealing with it. What she also told me is that I will most likely start group therapy next month, and she is not a part of that either way, so a new psychologist will be given me any way . The good news is that we are getting further and further away from the Bipolar disorder, which means my illness is more affected by stimuli from the outside and inside instead of it being a biological illness. I am kind of happy about that, coz it will take me down a path of no medication.

After my appointment I went for some retail therapy… really couldn’t afford it, but it made me happy. And it wasn’t food.

Today I have had a long morning in bed after I dropped off the kids. It has been nice to just be. I need these type of days. Also these type of days make my head go insane with crazy dreams and ideas 🙂 So what I am going to check out now is the possibility to home-school my kids for two or three months in the fall. Coz if that is possible I am going to borrow my dads apartment in Spain  and have a very relaxing fall! But it wont happen this year I think, most likely it will have to be next year or the year after. But its nice to have some dreams to crave!

I am also trying to convince my school to let me take some extra credits next year. I feel it is in me to manage. So today I need to write a convincing email to the head of the English department and “beg” her to let me take English next year on top of my two other subjects. It will make it possible for me to finish my degree in 2 years instead of 3! And also help me to get English as my main subject in my degree. SO fingers crossed as I am now going to write to her. I almost want to write her in English, since I find it so much easier to express myself in English than my mother language, Norwegian. Strange, and sometimes I feel my head is all messed up because of feelings like these LOL But its okay to be a bit strange in this ordinary world, at least I think so 🙂