Staying in the light!

It is November! And I am not down in the darkness!! It has been a yearly happening over the last 5-6 years, “October-darkness”. October has usually kicked my butt pretty hard.

And this year started no different, the first two weeks of October had me crawling. I was so close to just give up. To give in. To not care.

But some where along those two weeks I felt the need to just not give a f**k! I decided that shit is bad, and shit will be bad for a while. So lets just make the best out of it! And by shit it is mostly finances and my baby boys issues at school. Β But also self love. Self acceptance. Self worth. The usual shit.

And as I let it go things changed.

All of the sudden I was blessed with financial stability for the rest of the school year, I could finally just focus on my studies and kids. And as I let go of the need of fixing my baby boys issues, I just focused on him and encouraged him to make good choices EVERY day, something changed for him too! TWO huge stress factors were gone.

And in all of this I just decided that I have lost 17+- kilos and I am proud of it! My body is not perfect, and my weight is not at my goal-weight! But I am not giving up my good eating habits just because I don’t have time to exercise like I did earlier this year.

In April I decided to go plant-based, that means no meat, no diary and no oil. But it was hard!! So right now I am an vegetarian. No meat, no oil, but a tiny bit of diary. It is hard to get of the diary. I love cheese and sour cream to much! But I am scaling it down. And my goal for 2017 is to be able to live a plant base lifestyle πŸ™‚

So over the last two weeks I have given my self some elbowroom to not get sad about the exercise part, and just because of that I started November with a smile!!

It doesn’t mean that my life is full of unicorns and rainbows lol there is still those dark moments and thoughts. But I am not letting them rule my life right now! I am working hard on having control over my thoughts. And I truly believe it will bring me all the healing I need when needed. And next month is my last session at my therapist, so I feel more confident now that I see that I can bring myself out of the mess in a much healthier way than before ❀

Day 56 of gratitude!

My plan was to ramble about my hopeless “am I a friend-material”Β situation. But instead I spent all my energy on my school assignment! SO now I am just happy that I am done four days before the deadline! So I delivered it before I started to rewrite and stress about it, and tomorrow I start on my English class planning for next week. FIVE weeks of English, so much fun.. hopefully πŸ˜›

B U T I am not done with the “friend-material” thoughts, so I will get back to it tomorrow πŸ˜‰

Had a good chat with my therapist about it, so I definitely have changed my perspective, but I still have many Β words to say about it πŸ˜›

Weekend coffee share β˜•οΈ

 

weekendcoffeeshareIf we were having coffee today I would be happy and sad at the same time.

Happy because I have had a great weekend with my kids at home. Sad because I suck at being a student at the moment.

If we were having coffee right now I would tell you that I need to focus on my studies. I have hardly put in an hour on my pedagogical class, and today I just got feedback on my assignment. And I failed. Mostly because I have not been using the right reference in my text. But I also know the text is weak. So now I need to get it done, better. Much better. And it really scares me, since I have my bachelor assignment also. And I haven’t even started. So now I need to focus on school and turn down work. I just can’t do them both. And that’s why last year went so well too. Because I focused on school.

You know I hate this though. But no human is able to do it all, so I just have to do some work, and more school. Prioritize. Tomorrow will be a new path. Tomorrow I will make changes. Yes. And I feel good about it, because I have been worrying about this a lot!

If we were having coffee today I would tell you that I am still feeling hunger most of the time, but I now also feel fullness after a meal!! That’s a new win!! Not after every meal. And not because I am stuffing my face. But on those days I manage to drink enough water and eat regularly I feel full after every meal. Now I just need to make it a habit.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I have finally been brave enough in therapy to address my past regarding the sexual abuse and how I let men treat me like an object, and how that leads me to never manage to have an ordinary conversation with men. It is scary! But it feels like this is the missing part of my complete healing. And when this heal, my weight will also be easier to release. It is deeply connected.
I can tell you though that I am moving forward regarding men and everyday conversations. So it is a small step, and I love those small wins! Together they will all be a huge win one day πŸ™‚

If we were having coffee I would tell you that we now have complete skiing gear and that I actually hope for some more snow so I can take the kids out skiing this winter. I have not been on skis since I was a teenager, so it will be very interesting to say the least πŸ˜› But I want the kids to love the outdoors more, so I have to set an example.. At least try to set a good example πŸ˜‰
So how was your week? Are you exciting about something right now? Or stressed? Would love to hear from you! Have an amazing week, and hopefully I will be back for coffee next week πŸ™‚

Day 36 & 37 of gratitude πŸ‘ŒπŸ»

Went to bed really early again last night so forgot to post my daily gratitude post. Not really sure why I have been so tired this week, but have just been needing a lot of sleep. I guess going back to work after many weeks at home had something to do with it too πŸ˜‰ In addition group therapy AND individual therapy in one week is pretty exhausting!

After individual therapy yesterday I figured out that group therapy is okay right now. Even though the first time wasn’t great, I learned that I have moved passed some issues I didn’t even think about until yesterday. Among those are communicating with men without feeling stressed and also being able to not talk to much about myself in social gatherings because I’m nervous. Now I manage to stay quiet and happy πŸ™‚ So at the end of April I will hopefully know if this was enough or if I need some more therapy. I’m currently leaning towards finishing it off, but time will tell I guess.

Today we had planned to go out skiing, but since it’s raining 😦 we had to cancel it. So instead I decided to clear out the messy room we had in the basement. It was packed from top to bottom with junk! But I desperately needed a cozy place to have the Nintendo Wii, as my living room has been a Super Mario zone for several weeks now and my mind needed a break πŸ˜‰ So now the basement is set for gaming and the kids are super happy. And I can enjoy my living room with the fireplace and candle lights again. YEY!

Lastly I had to confront another issue today! My pedagogical class has been stressful to me because I don’t enjoy group work that much. And last year I got a pass on the group work. But my teacher this year doesn’t want to understand my anxiety and is just pushing me hard. So hard that I have several times over the last month thought about ending my education. But when I get close to canceling I manage to take a breath and not give up. So when she wrote me again yesterday and felt upset about me not participating in group work I decided to just try to reach out to my class mates. We have only one lecture left, so I will do my best. So now I can join another group next Friday. And I will not eat my way through my anxiety, but I will stress and feel horrible. But I am going to let myself feel it all, and hopefully it will pass. And hopefully she will let her worries be too. Because when I have to work together with coworkers I never get this stressed. SO I know I can handle the occupation. I know I will be a good teacher, despite hating group work as a student!

So overall my gratitude over the last couple of days are towards myself. My strength to move passed obstacles even when it gets stressful, and that we have this perfect home that gives us all stability and comfort.

#everydaygratitude

Thank you 2015 πŸŒŸ


Last day of 2015. I just read through my post on this day in 2014. And I must say this year should have been hard with my broken arm and all, but it’s been one of the best in many decades!

  
I have picked a card for 2016 too, but I want to just reflect upon last years card and word.

I pulled queen of water and knowledge for 2015. And this year has really been about myself. Healing first on the inside, then my arm. Pushing myself to accept help, to be vulnerable and at peace with my circumstances. And I now know I have support. And I know my kids are safe no matter what should happen to me. But hopefully my health and body only will grow stronger in 2016 πŸ™πŸ»

Then there was knowledge. I managed to finish my 2nd year at my university despite my broken arm. And I also started up my 3rd year even though I had no writing skills back in August. But I’m stubborn. And I want my teacher degree. Badly! On top of that I was asked to substitute as a teacher too, and for the first time in a long time I felt secure in my role as a teacher. And it was amazing to get that confirmation yet again! I ended the semester with B+ on my last English assignment and a pass on my oral math exam. Victory!

 So here comes 2016 in some hours, and I’m ready! I’m excited, but also slightly scared πŸ˜³πŸ˜‰

This upcoming semester I have three exams!! English, math and pedagogical theory! On top of that I’m writing my bachelor degree 😬 but I want this, so I will manage this too! And when the fall semester starts I’m ready to attend classes I enjoy and can have lots of fun with πŸ‘πŸ»

The card I picked today from archangel power tarot cards by Doreen Virtue and Radleigh Valentine for myself in 2016 is this: 

And it’s kind of funny how it fits so well with my plans for 2016, but also how it is connected to last years card and word. It only has more books, which makes me super excited πŸ˜ƒ

The booklet says this about this card:

  
Love it a lot, and here are my views on this card:

What draw me into the card is all the light surrounding the books. It really tells me how important my studies will be this year. It also tells me that this is another personal year where my focus will lay on growth and healing. The card also have a “young” energy to me, which tells me that my kids also will be influenced to have a great educational year. But also that I will be surrounded with kids, both at home and through work.

The word I feel with this card is challenge. And I will most definitely accept any challenge I get next year. Both personal and professional. I have learned to embrace challenge and they always have some kind of blessing hidden ❀️

I am also going to give myself some challenges:

1. (Same as last year) more fish and veggies, never giving up on this one 😜

2. Go for walks! And do more yoga πŸ™πŸ»

3. Be a good student.

4. Save for a new tattoo that will be taken before 2017 starts!

5. Keep my everyday gratitude challenge going everyday for a full year!

These are my own challenges, and I am already looking forward to push myself πŸ‘πŸ»πŸ‘ŠπŸ»πŸ‘ŒπŸ»


With that I wish all of you a blessed new year filled with love, happiness and lots of laughter and joy 🌟❀️🌟

Day 114 of gratitude β£

  
Today I have put in 10 hours of grammar work and I’m pretty happy about myself πŸ™ƒ 

I know I should have put in a more balanced amount of hours throughout the fall, but life is not made of should and could’s so this is just how it is! 

And I’m grateful I did some today and will do more of it the same tomorrow πŸ‘πŸ» 

My weekly guidance is suffering this exam week, but will be back on Monday πŸ™πŸ» comments will also be answered after Friday, sorry for the delay! πŸ™ˆπŸ’•πŸ‘ŒπŸ»

Weekend coffee share!

#weekendcoffeeshare #mylife #peacefulyogamama #blogging

weekendcoffeeshareIf we were having coffee today I would probably be at your house! Because I really need to get out of my house, but I don’t want to go out in public!

Right now I am just a bit tired, and just need a break from everyday life at home. Less work over the last two weeks and trying to prep for my math and English exam is not working very well at home. But I am not giving up, I am going to get this done, so you don’t need to worry about that at least!

If we were having coffee today I would tell you that this past week started off really quiet, and that I had a good study day on Monday and Tuesday. When I participate in class things are going pretty well, but when I am trying alone I am a mess. But I have a descent grade on my written assignments so I know I will pass my English, but the math I just pray will work out for the best!

There has also been several parent meetings at my kids school and daycare, so on top of homework and kids homework I haven’t been in bed until late everyday.

But if we were having coffee today I would also tell you I had an awesome time at work on Thursday and Friday. And the day I spent with one student doing different teaching, more practical, was super fun and just proved to me that I want to specialize as a teacher down the road.

And on top of the fun at work my boss also invited me to their Christmas party! Feeling so blessed that they include me, and lucky for me my dad will babysit so I can go! Now I just need some nice clothes.. but that’s a worry for another day πŸ˜‰

If we were having coffee today I would again tell you that even though I always worry about friendships I now know that I have people around me I can ask for help! So when my daughter had a dress crises before her school prom yesterday I could fix it because they took care of Lily and Leon. And on top of that my dad read that I thanked these beautiful women on my FB and called me to remind me that he is home from Spain now and also can help out when I need it!

You know what?

I am blessed right now.

And on top of that my dad and girlfriend came over today and topped of my weekend by putting up my red curtains, so now I am only missing a tree. And he will help me with that in a couple of weeks too!

And this is me accepting all these peoples help? And yes this is the same person that 1 1/2 year ago didn’t really understand the meaning of living. My kids held me alive back then, barely. Now I have people around. Now I am so busy that I fall asleep on my couch at night with a smile on my face. Now I am living. Here and now. And I am so thankful for fighting my way back into my own life.

And I know the fight is not over, but I am stronger than ever before.

But what about you, are you getting some rest this time of year? Did your week give you any blessings? Any troubles? I am here for you if you ever want to share.
So if we were having coffee at your place tonight I would feel blessed to give you a warm hug before I walked out Β into the dark, cold, crisp night knowing that our friendship is real and filled with love and honesty.