Choices!

So I have been missing in action again! I just don’t grasp time these days! Its flyyyyyying! The weeks are disappearing so fast, I’m literally looking over my Christmas stuff these days lol

Image result for choices memeThen we have all these choices.

How do we even know how to make the right choices?

Some weeks ago I was ready to embark into the jungle of online dating again! Like I didn’t learn my lesson already! But how do you meet anyone when you are alone with young kids? Well online is the answer I keep hearing from “everyone”.

But then I decided to delete the idea and just find peace in being alone. For now at least.

Was it the right choice, or was it fear that took control?

I have no clue, and this is how I resonate with everything these days.

Making choices and then second guessing them. Helping myself to get more confused, that’s all I do.

Image result for second guessing ecardsSo now I am second guessing my education path.

Again!

Not that I don’t want to be a teacher, but am I taking the right subjects? Should I delay what I am doing and choose differently?

OMG!

And then you have the weight loss situation! And the therapy situation! And the kids! And money! And! And! And!

Life is actually just a path of choices. And all we do is accepting choices. We either hit a wall and learn a lesson, or we choose right and experience happiness. So why is it so hard to just accept these parts of life?

Why do I wish over and over that I had no choice? Don’t you think I would have complained if the choices was gone too?

Image result for live in the momentI sure do.
SO! Enough about the whining, time to just enjoy the moment, challenge myself and keep accepting life as it is. NO more second guessing! So I might hit a dump in the road, but that is how I will grow! And that is how I will be a great role model for my kids too ❤

 

 

 

Old patterns..

I have written about my worst fear before. The fear of my sons school start. The fear of him being the misunderstood. The bully. The punk-ass kid no one likes. The disliked child.

The first 6 weeks went like heaven! The school didn’t understand my worries, because it went so well.

Well, then things turned. In a heartbeat.

Now he is the bully. He needs to be watched to protect another child.

WHAT?

I just don’t understand this. But I am not shrugging it off as an innocent thing either. I don’t understand his actions, and he can not explain them either.

Well, he is six years old.

He is not a demon child out to hurt anyone. He is not being cruel because he likes it. He just don’t understand certain social codes.

So before the fall break I spoke to his school and I had faith in the teacher and student counselor. I still do.

But I don’t have faith in the other child’s parents.

I have not spoken about this case with anyone around me for one single reason.

I LIVE IN A TINY VILLAGE WHERE WORDS TRAVEL FASTER THAN A FART!

And I hold my son responsible for his part in this. And I want to give the school and him a chance to make the changes that is needed for. I give my son a chance to change. I don’t think this is his path to a life as a bully.

But today the other parents show me that they have no intention to see my son as a good child that can change.

They are talking about this case with other parents. So a parent I don’t know posted a message on Facebook in the class group that “someone” is being bullied and we need a meeting to solve this.

The parents need a meeting to solve this.

I just saw the gossip spread, the questions, and the feelings. The hate. The stress.

So in desperation I posted in the same group that I am aware of my sons actions, that we are being guided by the school and that they are doing their best to help both of these boys.

I don’t need a “town-meeting” where people meet up to figure out who this horrible bully of a kid is.

I need grown ups that understand that these kids are 6 years old and need guidance and help. But most of all more love and acceptance.

But my first thought when all this happened?

Well my son wasn’t the only one who went back to his old patterns. I was ready to pack my suitcase, throw the kids in the car and leave that place faster than ever!

But I stayed.

I want to fight for my son. He deserves someone who fights for him. He deserve to be given the chance to change. To understand his own lacks.

He is a good child. A caring and lovable child.

So I am rolling up my sleeves and I am getting ready for the biggest fight of my life!

Accepting his wrong doing, helping him to change and still never stop loving him!

 

 

 

Change 👌🏻

The other day I was going through my profile pictures on Facebook, because I realized I still had pictures of my ex there!!! As I was deleting them I realized that my life was looking back at me through my selfies! And I was fascinated about what I saw. How much I have changed, and how strange I look in some pictures.

So I decided to share some here, and also share the life I lived at the moment of the picture. Because I believe change is necessary to have a good life. And my pictures show me at good times, but also during really really trying and hard times.

 

This is me in the fall of 2007. In this moment I was a mother of one and I had no self esteem at all! I felt fat, alone and like a failure. The only thing I felt I managed at this moment was being a mom. And that is not a little thing. Looking back today I see myself in another light. And I wish I could tell this girl that she is enough and that she should be proud of how far she had come at that time. I wish I could hug her and let her know she could find security in herself not a man.

 

This is me around a year later, the fall of 2008. I was in love. I was pregnant with my second child. And I was alone. I had convinced myself that he loved me and that we were ready for a child. In retrospect, I was the only one ready. I don’t regret my child. But I wish I could have told myself that everything would be okay and that I wasn’t expected to fight all alone for something two people needed to fight for.

 

 

This is another year gone by. The late fall of 2009. So tired, but somewhere in there I felt some kind of happiness too. I had my two daughters. And I had fought so hard to get my love back. We were a family again. I believed in us. I believed my love was strong enough for all of us. I believed we could conquer the world with my strength. And I was pregnant again, with a love child. At least that was what it felt like in that moment of time. Weeks later he betrayed this woman, he cheated and lied. Still she took him back. Could I have told this woman to do things differently? Not at all. I was not open for that. I was consumed in what I believed I needed. To be loved, but most of all to love.

 

Winter of 2010. Alone again. This time with three kids. This was the third time he left us during the 3 years we had shared. And every time he left for several months. This time I never believed he would get back to us. But I was open to take him back. My feelings was brushed under layers of layers of need to be loved. This is a year after he cheated on me, and betrayed me. I was still ready to love him, to sacrifice everything for him. All I see is a tired woman. This woman could have listened to me. This woman had accepted another solution than the one that she later chose..

 

Fall 2011. She took her power back, but first she took him back. She realized she didn’t love him anymore. Sleeping with him made her sick and upset. She couldn’t even look at him in the end. So this woman found her strength. She knew she couldn’t get him to leave, he only left when he wanted to. So she tricked him. As soon as he was out of the appartment she turned her back on him. She was done. When this picture was taken he had just moved out. Her eyes are scared, but also relived. I would go back now and let her know she did everything right. For her and the kids.

 

Fall 2012. She had found happiness in her life again. And this time not through a man. But just by living and working and being a mom. She had understood that the greatest way to change her life was to put herself first. To do something that enriches her life and the kids. She was secure all by herself. And she had fought off some demons to let him get back in her life. She felt free of the relationship for the first time. And she had found a purpose in herself, she had now started her teacher studies. She had a very positive outlook on the future.

Fall 2013. This woman is about to take on a job that will drain her. She is already tired, and feeling lonely. But she is trying to hide it and find energy in the people that cheer her on. She believes it is important to make the changes, she thinks she can do it alone. She wants to make a difference. Her choices are made with her heart, not a balanced mind. If I could go back to her I would have told her to take more time to choose. To see the whole picture, and to let her know that she was good enough where she was and that her the job was not the solution to her loneliness….


Winter 2014. A tired woman dealing with depression and eating-disorder. But also a strong woman who had checked into therapy, because she knew it was what she needed. She wanted to heal, she wanted change. And in the middle of all of this she was the best mother she could be. Her anchor in her healing process was being a mom. Without it she would not have had a direction to go.

 

Fall 2015. Finally is the smile in her eyes coming back. Her passion in her life, teaching is now a huge part of her life. She has after a year finally settled down in her hometown, left the city life behind. She is calm on the inside when she needs too, and she is letting her emotions out when she need too. She is seeking balance, not food. She knows that she can create the future she deserve. She is learning to live again.

Fall 2016. This is me now, 9 years later. So much has happened, more than these few words can describe! But finally I feel more comfortable in my own skin. I’m healthier than I have been in years! On the outside and the inside! I have recently lost 17 kilos (37,5 pounds) and I’m ready to loose the next 23 kg too! I’m living a life free of drama. I have cut people out of my life because I needed to. I have my studies, and next year I will be an educated teacher! My kids are thriving and living happy lives. We are still only an unit of four, but it is perfect for us. Right now I am not ready to change that.  I hope I can bring this experience with me and be the strong woman I want to be. But one thing I have accepted is that I know life will change again, but I am determined to bring my smile and fire with me along the way ❤

 

Life-as-it-is-Wednesday!

So getting back to writing feels perfect in my head, but it is way harder to actually get it done! And I feel deeply that I need it, so why is it so hard to just do it?

I guess it is like my studies too, I avoid it as long as I can even though I know I need it. And just like last fall and the fall before that I question my studies. Did I make the right choice? Should I stop this subject and instead take another one?

I am so afraid of failing and not being good enough that I put myself in this corner of fear. I tell myself everyday that I have made the wrong choices all along. And in the end I finally believe my evil voice..

So how can I be trapping out of therapy when I know I still are hurting myself in my head? Well I hope I now have the tools to take care of the healing and to clear my mind when it happens instead of falling into the well known dark hole.

The hole I seem to crawl at every fall.

Why is it like that? Why does the fall that I love so deeply also bring the darkest times in my life?

Well I guess it must have something to do with the heat and light that slowly disappear.  Maybe I’m not a fall person after all? Maybe I’m really a summer girl? Maybe seeing myself as a fall girl has made it okay for me to nurture my need of hiding and being alone?

What if I am a summer girl that loves people and loves the heat?

Well I do love the light and I do love the sun, the beaches and the sand. But I know in my core that I am an introvert. SO the people is okay, but I will never love the public. But having more people in my life is a goal, so maybe I can see myself as a summer girl that loves some attention and some happiness and joy 😉

Life is funny, and when I take my time to sit down like this to reflect I see that I am okay. That I am where I am supposed to be ❤

#ThrowBackThursday

Yoga in Spain in June/July this summer was amazing! The kids even asked me if they could do some poses around the neighborhood we lived 😉

I hope we are able to go back next summer!

And it is fun to see how much my body has changed since then! Its only been 2,5 months, but I see the difference!

I will write more in a separate blog post about what I have done to change my appearance so much over the last 6 months, not only on the outside, but mostly on the inside ❤ Healing happens when you least expect it ❤

img_2740img_2739img_2710img_2707img_2702img_2706img_2763img_2767img_2768img_2782img_2783img_2799img_2800img_2802img_2712img_2689img_2688img_2687img_2659img_2658img_2646img_2516img_2509img_2523img_2508img_2510img_2378img_2376img_2375-1img_2504img_2495img_2493img_2492img_2469

#tbt 

  
Did this girl know how hard life was going to be? What would she have done if she knew? Is she not friend material? 

Today someone told me that I might be to old to create new friendships. That I’m to strange or weird. Being 40 next year is to late for me. 

It through me into a head spin 🙃 and I have strong feelings about her comments that I will write more about tonight. 

Does our childhood predict our future? Because the girl in that picture had friends. This girl writing believes she has friends, is she wrong? 🤔

#WeekendCoffeeShare

If we were having coffee today, I would tell you that I am a huge knot of nerves! I can’t believe I am actually going to have my first math exam tomorrow! And it’s an oral exam!

I have hardly opened my math books this fall, which is only my own fault, so I am totally relying on the knowledge I acquired last year. Not sure if it is the best strategy lol

But I have been honest about my anxiety so my math teachers are able to give me extra time. Even though I just want to get there and get it over with. Right now I don’t know if extra time really can help me either. I feel like a stupid person when I try to read too, it’s like my mind is a black hole where all the words just disappear. I will most likely tell you tomorrow how it all went down unless it is me that will be sinking  into that black hole…

330fb4cc985819cefb33a030be2f2567If we were having coffee at my house today, you would see the mess I am in when I try to be a somewhat decent student. My books are all over and the Christmas spirit has flown because of all the mess! But I would tell you that my kids are pretty amazing because today as I have been cursing and yelling at my computer and books they have entertained themselves with Minecraft and movies. They even made themselves some breakfast AND lunch, so I treated them with some badass tacos tonight before bedtime!

12341617_860872904010645_7804092795457894933_nIf we were having coffee tonight, I hope you have plenty of time because this week has been very tough.

At the beginning of the week, I got that letter where I all of a sudden was very aware of my ex’s ability to move on. I thought I was the one who should have moved on first. And in some ways I have moved on, but knowing now that he is living with another person just makes it all very final. Very real.

And it is healing in so many ways, but as you know I am always scared of not being enough. So when this news appeared my first thought was that I was not enough, for anyone. It could easily have brought me down a spiral of eating and abusing myself. BUT I managed to stay away from food. And to be honest, I am so proud of myself! Instead, I used a couple of days to sleep and reflect. Reflect upon who I was 5 years ago and who I am today. And honestly I love who I am today, who I am becoming.

12042912_10153037277526512_1774505822218640256_nIf we were having coffee today, I would tell you that I am healing.

And that you really are a hero that stood by me back then when I was a shadow of myself, taking the shit when I deserved to be loved and cherished for all I did.

Some days I don’t even recognize the person I’m transforming into because this person is rather fearless and brave. But I guess that is a part of being true to me, to live an authentic life.
So with those words I promise you that I will not hide tomorrow when I try to nail my math exam, I will do my best and be true to me. I know a lot about math and I will use my knowledge and admit to my lack of knowledge, hopefully that will be enough to pass!
If we were having coffee tonight, I would lastly tell you that I got invited to a Christmas party this upcoming Friday! And I’m going! It will be a great opportunity to get to know more people, but also to celebrate my fall semester 🙂

Hope your week has been great and that you didn’t experience the same stress as I did! And I would love to know how your Christmas planning is going?

I must tell you that I added another happening to my kids gifts instead of the Lego’s I had planned to buy them. I just hope they will have fun and not get really disappointed about not getting any toys. Do you weekendcoffeesharethink I should buy them a toy in addition to all the happenings?

I must say I have really conflicted feelings about this because I don’t really want to spoil them and, on the other hand, I don’t want to disappoint them…

Sorry, my mind wandered off there! Now I have to go back to my math books before I have to get some sleep! Hope you will have a great week ❤

 

Inspirational Tuesday

Today my English teacher introduced me to this poem and my first thought was to share it with all of you!

Hope you like it as much as I did.

The Waking

BY THEODORE ROETHKE

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.
We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground!   I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.
Light takes the Tree; but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me; so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.
This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.
 

Waiting..

Waiting for love.

Is it a game or a real wait?

I keep talking to P over at DotedOn about love and Mr. Right.

And I always get so excited about finding love and my prince.

But in reality I have no clue what I want.

So today as I was sharing some of my thoughts with her it dawn on me that I should really start to think this true.

What are the key elements I look for?

What is it that a man will find in me?

1964894_826242904057299_251789930_n

My children.

They are my key.

And because of them I don’t look for love.

And that is not a bad thing!

NOT AT ALL.

I just need to have my focus on them.

And in all honesty I think its hard for a stranger to come in as a step dad to three young children.

I think that it is too much to handle.

I might be wrong.

I might be on a strange planet where this is just a bucket of crazy thoughts to all you here on earth.

So then I am back to waiting.

Waiting for the kids to get older.

Waiting for my body to transform into the shape I want it to be (oh.. I forgot to mention that, but my body being “ugh” is also a reason why I can’t have love..)

Waiting.

I guess I can wait.

I have always been good at waiting.

So another decade of waiting will be accepted I guess.

I just hope that in the long run I will be able to share my older days with another adult human being, and not only my adult children..

Love should be everywhere.

And I have love for my kids and love from them.

So in some sense I have love everywhere.

And therefore I can wait until the right person comes along…..